


forever

by 2dsgirl



Category: haikyuu
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-06-07 08:02:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6795883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2dsgirl/pseuds/2dsgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sugawara was content playing volleyball and grabbing meat buns with his friends before he met (y/n). sugawara didn't even think about how he'd never had his first kiss, or been on a date, or fallen in love before he met (y/n). sugawara never even considered what forever meant before he met (y/n).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 01

"Hey," Daichi slapped my arm, breaking me from my trance. His eyes darted to where I had been staring across the gymnasium, to Coach Ukai and a girl standing next to him.

"Do you know her?" He asked quietly, curiously watching the scene with me now. The girl had a big grin across her face, chatting with Coach Ukai enthusiastically; there was a closeness between them that was hard to place.

"His daughter maybe?" Daichi suggested.

"Seriously?" I scoffed. "I think we would know by now if Coach had a daughter as pretty as her." Daichi nodded, his focus still on the mystery girl .

"Maybe a friend's girlfriend? Or a cousin? Maybe a niece?"

I shrugged at all his ideas, neither of us having any clue. We weren't the only ones who noticed her though; she'd caught the entire team's attention and not everybody kept quiet about.

"Yo, Coach!" Noya called across the gym as he and Tanaka sprinted down the squeaky hardwood floor. The rest of the team quietly followed, a circle gathering around Ukai and his guest.

"Who's the girl?" Noya asked, inching closer and closer to her. Tanaka was following the same routine, a scary look on his face as he glared at Ukai.

"Boys, boys," Ukai groaned, pushing them off of the girl. She giggled, clearly not particularly bothered by their affections. "This is my niece, (y/n). She just moved to Torono* from Tokyo and she doesn't have any friends." She slapped his arm, obviously a little offended.

"It's true!" He protested. "Anyways, she just graduated this past year, so don't be afraid to introduce yourselves after practice. She's off limits to dating though!"

(Y/n) flushed red, looking down at her feet. I couldn't help but admire how cute she was; her (h/c) hair somehow looked luminous even in the harsh fluorescent lighting, and the way she waved and then bowed to the team was too adorable.

"Nice to meet you all," She said, her voice sugary sweet but a little more mature than the girls I went to school with. The whole team bowed and welcomed her before returning to practice but I couldn't help and daydream as I ran laps next to Daichi and Asahi, who didn't even seem to notice I was on another planet in my head.

Why did she move to Torono? There's no big universities around here to go to. Does she live with her family still? Does she live by herself? Does she even go to university? Does she have a job? What does she like to do in her free time? Does she have a boyfriend...?

"...Yeah, she actually lives across the street from me. I've already met her like three times." Asahi laughed.

"You already know her?" I asked incredulously. Asahi looked down at me, surprised to see me rejoin them in the real world.

"Yeah, I helped her move in and my mom's already had her over for dinner twice. I had no idea she was related to Coach though." He said.

"Does she live with her parents?" I asked, trying to keep a cool exterior and not look like a complete stalker. Asahi gave me a suspicious look before answering.

"No, she lives all by herself. She's actually kind of like, famous I guess," He chuckled. "She's a writer. She's had articles in international newspapers and magazines. She's not a pop star or anything but in our standards she's definitely a bit of a celebrity."

The rest of practice went by quickly after our conversation, almost everyone trying to show off for (y/n). Once we were done and changed everybody had gathered around (y/n) again, me and Daichi joining in last. To both our surprise she was speaking fluent English with Takeda, better than the teacher himself. We caught bits and pieces of what she was saying but couldn't make out what the conversation was actually about.

"Hey, Sensei!" Tanaka yelled. "What're you guys even saying?"

Takeda and (y/n) stopped speaking in English, turning there attention to the team.

"I was actually born in America," (y/n) said, returning to Japanese. "My dad is from Japan but my mom is from the states. We lived there until I was fourteen but we moved to Tokyo for my mom's job and I lived there until now."

Her Japanese was as fluent as her English and I couldn't help but be captivated by her. The team bombarded her with questions from all sides, ranging from "Can you help me with my English homework?" to "Are you a spy from America?" She answered all the questions happily, giving all the boys her undivided attention, as if they were alone with her in the huge gym.

"Excuse me, Miss (y/n)," Daichi spoke up over our rowdy teammates.

"Oh my God, don't call me 'Miss'," She said, her face turning bright red. "Just call me (y/n), I'm hardly older than you."

"Okay, (y/n)," Daichi began again. "We're all going out for meat buns now, and we would be honored if you would join us." He fell into a deep bow, the rest of us following suit. She laughed loudly, standing from where she was sitting on the bench.

"I'd be glad to," She said, picking up a lanyard with an array of keys and key chains dangling off it. "I can fit... four of you with me if you don't wanna walk."

Hinata, Noya, and Tanaka literally jumped at the offer, darting out of the gym and into the parking lot. Daichi turned to me, his face serious.

"I'll stay with these guys, but you should go with her so she doesn't get lost and so the boys don't get out of hand. Sound good?"

I nodded at him and gave him my most innocent smile, my heart soaring as I fell into step with (y/n) while we walked out of the gym. The cool night air hit my warm skin and I took a deep breath before I began to speak.

"I'm Sugawara Koushi, by the way. It's great to meet you." I said. She looked at me, her (e/c) eyes almost sparkling; maybe they weren't quite sparkling but I couldn't deny the hint of magic hiding behind them.

"You too," she said, jingling her keys in her hands. "I'm so happy that you're all being so kind to me. Honestly I'm a little surprised; I thought you guys would be freaked out that I'm your coach's niece." She let out an awkward laugh, covering her mouth with her hand and looking away from me.

"My car is the little white one," She pointed to one of the only cars in the lot, hitting a button on her keys and unlocking it. Noya and Hinata raced for the passenger seat, unaware that I would be chaperoning them.

"Hey!" I called out, jogging over to them. "I'm coming along to make sure you don't give (y/n) any trouble. All of you are gonna be sitting in the back this time." They all groaned as they climbed in, Noya and Hinata arguing over who had to sit in the middle seat. Once we were finally buckled and ready to go, (y/n) started the car to be greeted with the radio blasting so loud all of us let out a yelp.

"Sorry sorry sorry!" She exclaimed as she turned the volume down. I glanced over at her and ended up staring; everything about her left me completely dumbstruck. The way she tucked her hair behind her ear, the way her fingernails were painted a bright shade of blue but the polish was a little chipped, the way she seemed so much older than me as she drove out of the parking lot, her eyes taking the same look I'd seen in my parents' before when they'd driven me before. I snapped my gaze away but my thoughts lingered on her. What was an apparently world famous writer doing here? How was she so established to be living on her own when she hadn't even been to university? How did she get her hair to fall so perfectly down her shoulders, and how did she get that little edge in her voice that could make me believe any word she spoke?

"Hey," She shook my shoulder, making me jump a bit.

"I don't know where I'm going actually," She let out another weird little laugh. "Which way is the place we're going?"

I directed her to the market (with a few accidental wrong turns) and once we parked the three boys in the back seat ran outside and joined the rest of the team who ended up beating us there. I opened the passenger door but stopped when I noticed (y/n)'s head slumped against the steering wheel.

"Are you okay?" I asked, tempted to place a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head to face me, an exhausted look on her face.

"Yeah," She sighed, a small smile playing on her lips. "It kinda hit me all at once just now. I'm away from my family and I'm hanging around with my weird uncle and his volleyball team of high schoolers and I have three articles due by tomorrow night and I haven't started any of them and I still have trouble speaking Japanese but I play along like I know what you guys are saying and today I was buying coffee and I said 'chinchilla*' instead of 'vani-"

"Hey," I said, keeping my voice soft as I managed to build up enough courage to place my hand on her shoulder. "Take a deep breath."

She closed her eyes and deeply inhaled, letting her breath go before opening her eyes again. She nodded, ready for me to go on.

"Give yourself a little more credit, huh? None of us even knew you weren't Japanese until you said so. Plus you're basically the coolest person any of us have ever met. It's not everyday around here that someone like you comes around," I stopped myself, afraid I might be crossing the line between friendly and creepy. "And give us some more credit too- we're definitely not city boys but we're not as bad as you might think." I grinned, pulling my hand away from her.

"That's not what I meant!" She said, holding her hands in front of her defensively. I laughed as I got out of the car, both of us walking towards the market side by side. Before we entered she nudged into me with her shoulder playfully, causing my cheeks to turn red in record time.

"Thanks for the pep talk, Koushi," She said, walking ahead of me. I practically fell over at her use of my first name, walking into the market looking like I'd ran a marathon with how furiously I was blushing.

Once we all got our meat buns we stepped outside to eat. (Y/n) was quick to leave though, thanking everyone for their hospitality and promising to visit again soon, then driving off.

I walked home with Daichi and Asahi as usual but something was different; the air felt a little cooler on my skin and the meat bun tasted a little better than usual. Everything seemed to be brighter and more vivid than it had on the hundreds of times we'd walked home since we were first years.

A thought crossed my mind before I plopped into bed- had I just been simply content before today? And how long exactly does this feeling last? I hoped the answer was "forever" before I drifted off to sleep.

 

*i looked up where haikyuu takes place and it said in torono town in the miyagi prefecture so im not just makin that up lmao

*idk japanese so i just used english words that sound the same ok


	2. 02

A few weeks had past since I'd met (y/n) and she'd become a daydream that I turned to during class when lessons became boring. Most of the team quit bothering Coach Ukai about the next time his gorgeous niece would be dropping by, only mentioning her as a sort of novelty.

Asahi told us when she would come over for dinner on his mom's request, and how she would tell him stories about who she's interviewed and who's interviewed her, and how sometimes she would make him come over and watch television together because she gets lonely in her apartment. Their closeness made me squirm a little, a feeling in my chest I was unfamiliar with. I didn't ask any questions though, afraid to let my friends know I hadn't stopped thinking about a girl who was essentially a complete stranger for the past two weeks.

I rested my head on my desk while I pushed myself through my homework, determined to get it done so I could enjoy the coming Sunday without stressing about school. As I finished up the equations in my notebook a loud buzzing startled me, breaking my focus. My phone continued to vibrate as I picked it up and answered the call.

"What's up, Asahi?" I said, leaning back in my chair.

"Hey, you wanna come hang out at (y/n)'s house? A bunch of us are over here already if you're not busy."

I shot up at the mention of (y/n)'s name, practically falling out of my chair onto the floor.

"Yeah, I don't know where it is though," I said, trying to keep calm. "Can you text me directions?"

I heard Asahi and another voice talking on the other line, followed by (y/n)'s weird little laugh.

"Hey, Suga, (y/n) is just gonna pick you up at your house okay? She's on her way to pick up some food anyways so she said it's no trouble," He said. "She's leaving now, is that okay?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed, my heart speeding up as I completely disregarded my homework. I hung up and fell face first onto my bed, trying to calm myself down before (y/n) came. I grabbed my phone and wallet and headed downstairs to tell my mom what was going on.

"An older girl, hm?" She said from where she sat on the couch, a smirk on her lips. "Are you going for your friends or for her?"

"Mom!" I laughed, sitting next to her on the couch while I waited for (y/n) to get to my house.

"I'm going for both," I said, earning an elbow in the side from my mom which just made me laugh more. "You have no idea though, Mom. This girl is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of."

"How many times have you met her again?"

"Just once but that's all it took!" I sighed, my head falling on my mom's shoulder. "She's so cool. She's barely older than me and she lives by herself and drives her own car and is basically famous and she's from America and she acts like none of that is even a big deal. She's so far out of my league but I can't help wanting to chase after her."

She wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. "Don't worry, baby," she spoke, her voice hushed and comforting. "I'm sure things will work out just fine."

I smiled up at her, feeling a little dorky to be eighteen and whining to my mom about a girl. My phone buzzed in my jacket and a number I didn't recognize flashed on the screen.

"Hello?" I answered, curious about who could be calling me.

"Hey, Koushi, it's me (y/n). I can't find your house," She giggled, her laugh as awkward as I remembered it. I felt my face heat up and my palms sweat as I waited for her to continue. "Asahi told me your address but I think I typed it wrong in my phone..."

She described where she was to me and I quickly helped her find her way to my house. My mom stared at me expectantly as I talked on the phone, her face saying Hurry up and tell me what's going on.

"I think I'm here," She said, headlights shining in the front window. "I'll come in and say hi to your parents so they don't think some stranger is kidnapping you."

"You don't have to do tha-" I blurted out, but (y/n) already hung up.

"She's coming in," I moaned as I leaned back on the couch again, my mom looking more pleased than I'd ever seen her. The headlights turned off and shortly after there was a knock at the door- I was surprised we could hear it over the pounding of my heart.

My mom insisted on answering the door, practically pushing me before I had the chance to stand up. She winked at me before opening the door, revealing (y/n) in a pair of sweatpants and slippers, wearing a much too big t-shirt, her hair messily pulled back.

"Hello," She said, smiling at my mom. I waved at her from the couch, finally gathering enough strength to stand up and walk ten feet to the front door. She waved at me and I found myself awestruck; even when she looked like she hadn't moved from her bed all day she was still the prettiest girl I'd ever known.

"Hi, (y/n)-senpai," I greeted her, hoping my mom would get the formalities over with quickly so we could leave. (Y/n) blushed red and looked right at me but I didn't know why. A somewhat uncomfortable silence fell over us before my mom finally broke it.

"It's so nice to meet you, (y/n)-chan!" She said. "Koushi has told me so much about you." I nearly died right then of embarrassment, avoiding (y/n)'s gaze as if it would turn me to stone.

"He has?" (Y/n) said, more than a hint of amusement in her voice. "That's funny."

I thanked God that she left it at that rather than pointing out that I'd only met her once and we barely new each other. I raised my eyebrows at my mom, hoping she'd get the message that it was time to go.

"Alright, well, I guess you should get going. The boys must be starving," They both laughed and I let go of the breath I didn't realize I was holding, relieved that the exchange was over. We said our goodbyes, (y/n) promising that I'd be safe in her care. I couldn't help but feel so much younger than her, like she was babysitting me rather than hanging out as friends. I sat in the passenger seat of her car for now the second time, trying to shake off the nervousness I felt. She got in and started the car, staring ahead for a while before turning to me.

"I don't know where we're going," She laughed. I giggled too, captured by her strange little laugh that I wanted to bottle up and save for when I missed her. She told me where she ordered from, tossing her phone into my lap and telling me to read the directions to her. I loved the way she talked to herself as she took the turns I told her to, and how she didn't seem to mind the silences that fell between us.

"You don't have to call me senpai, you know," She said, her cheeks glowing pink. "It makes me feel like I'm too old to be hanging out with you."

"But you are my senpai."

"I'm probably not even a year older than you!" She said as she turned into the parking lot of the restaurant they ordered food from. She didn't get out of the car immediately, turning towards where I sat, her attention one hundred percent on me. I noticed she did this the last time I met her; she looks at you like you're the only person in the room and her gaze says she's hanging on your every word. I couldn't help but feel a little self conscious as she looked at me, her gaze soft.

"Does it bother you that I call you Koushi? I know your friends call you Suga," She laughed. "In America we just call each other by our given names. It's weird to call my friends by their last names."

"You can call me Koushi if you like," I said, unable to say anything interesting like she always seemed to.

"Okay, Koushi," She smiled. "Do you wanna come in with me? You can pick out a drink or something if you want." I nodded and we walked inside the small restaurant together and I wondered if anybody thought we were a couple. It's not like we were holding hands or anything; we weren't even standing particularly close to each other in all honesty. I wanted people to think we looked good with each other though, that maybe I wasn't this goofy kid hanging out with the undoubtedly coolest girl to ever exist.

"What should I get?" She asked, not really to me but more towards the cooler filled with drinks. She plucked an iced coffee drink and turned to me as I picked out a flavored iced tea with a colorful label.

"Wait, those are so good!" She said, the expression on her face too adorable as she debated with herself which to pick. She ended up putting hers back and grabbing the same drink I had, then floated over to the counter. I stayed a couple steps back, admiring how she looked as she told the clerk her order number, handed them the money, and left a tip in the jar, seeming grown up as she asked me to carry two pizza boxes while she carried two more plus a bag of other food.

"How many of the guys are there?" I exclaimed as we put the food in the back seat and sat back in her car.

"Uh... Asahi, Shouyo, his friend, oh, and those boys that were in the car with us that time before, and..." She trailed off, trying to remember something. "Oh! Daiki."

"You mean Daichi?" I laughed, thinking her little mistakes were nothing short of absolutely adorable.

"Agh!" She yelled, the weird noise making me laugh. "I was close. I've never seen it written down so it's hard for me to remember."

The rest of the drive back to her apartment was mostly just asking questions about the team, and her trailing off when she couldn't quite put her finger on what she wanted to say. I loved helping her find the words she was looking for, especially how she'd lightly slap my leg when I got it right, like I'd just given her the answer to the final question on a test. When we got there I recognized Asahi's house and felt underwhelmed looking at her apartment.

I don't know what I expected; the lavish Beverly Hills style mansions in magazines, or the ninety-story sky scraper buildings in Tokyo? I shook the thoughts away, grabbing as much as the food as I could, following her into her little home up the metal stairs that clinked under our feet.

It occurred to me along the short walk that I was in fact going into the girl of my dream's house, where she lived; where she did her work, cooked dinners for herself, sat on the couch and watched her favorite shows, where she slept and woke up each morning. Thoughts of doing those things with her crept into my head too and I forced myself to come back to reality as she opened the door into the apartment I'd spent imagining for too long.


	3. 03

I'm greeted with a pile of shoes by the door, along with my teammates rushing to take the food out of my hands and into their stomachs. I suddenly felt small among everyone, overly aware that I was losing (y/n)'s undivided attention. I slipped my shoes off and followed her in, but she didn't seem to notice my presence anymore; she walked over to Asahi, her smile looking so genuine that I wondered if she'd been faking her kindness towards me the whole time.

"Hey," she said as she plopped down next to him, their shoulders flush. I sat on the floor next to to Daichi, trying to distract myself from (y/n) but I find myself tuning out Daichi and only hearing (y/n)'s voice.

"Yeah, we can share if you want," she smiles up at him as if they're the only people in the room, and the fierce blush on Asahi's cheeks makes my chest tighten.

"Suga," Daichi calls for my attention, a worried look on his face. "Are you okay?"

"Hm?" I smile, as if I wasn't just clearly eavesdropping. "Of course I am."

He looks at me doubtfully but thankfully drops it. He makes a grabbing motion at my drink sitting on the floor next to me and I hand it to him, letting him take a sip. He smiles at me and hands me a piece of pizza and I decide to be happy that I'm spending a Saturday with my teammates despite my crush seeming more interested in my much taller friend than me.

As the night goes on it finally dawns on me that (y/n) seems to be able to connect with everyone around her. She talks to Tanaka and Noya in a way that calms them down, and somehow they're not the rowdy boys that can't be controlled while they're gazes are locked on her. Kageyama actually laughs with her, his smile not the least bit creepy or forced. Hinata cuddles up to her like a baby and she plays with his hair like it's the most natural thing in the world. I even see Daichi and her in the kitchen, leaned in close to each other as if their words weren't meant to be heard by anyone else in the world. It all kills me to watch these scenes play out, and by ten o'clock I'm ready to walk all the way across town home.

Hinata is asleep in (y/n)'s lap and Noya insists on taking pictures (I can't deny how adorable they look and if I wasn't feeling so miserable I would've done the same thing), while Asahi is dozing off next to her on the couch.

"Hey," she whispers, getting everyone who was still awake to listen. "Why don't you all call your parents and ask to sleepover? They can totally talk to me if they want, I'm just too tired to drive you all home and I feel bad making you walk."

Everyone agreed and once we all got our parents' approval things seemed to finally calm down. (Y/n) wriggled out from under Hinata, placing a pillow ever so carefully under his head and throwing a blanket over him as well as Asahi who had fallen asleep as well. She grabbed countless pillows and blankets and threw them out to us, but an uncomfortable weight in my chest told me to wait until everyone was taken care of. She seemed to run out of things for us to sleep on, looking at me with a worried expression.

"C'mere," she whispered, motioning me towards her. I stood up from the floor and tip-toed over where everyone was lying down to her, my heart beginning to race again.

"Do you think you'll all be comfy enough? I don't have anymore blankets or anything besides the sheets on my bed," she gave a tiny version of her laugh, making me smile for the first time in seemingly ages.

"Don't worry about us," I said. "They're all already half asleep anyways. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"You're not though," she pointed out, making me blush. I stammered, not sure how to tell her I was secretly hoping she'd give me attention after everyone went to bed. She giggled at me, walking over to her kitchen to look through her refrigerator.

"Do you want anything? I only have...water." She laughed again, tossing me a bottle. "Do you wanna hang out a little longer? We can go in my room so we don't have to whisper so much,"

I don't know if she realizes exactly what she said, but even though my tongue couldn't form the words "Yes please," I immediately followed her into her bedroom, watching her shut the door, my hands sweating and shaking, my mind racing a mile a minute as she plopped onto her bed. She sat up and patted the space next to her, her features seeming more relaxed than I'd seen them before.

I tried to take note of every little thing in her room; the many plants scattered on her bureau, desk, windowsill, and even a large one on the floor; the pictures of her with strangers framed hung on the wall, and how her picture smile is as genuine as the way it looks in person; a million little things I try to write down in my head- bottles of nail polish, well read books with broken spines, random pieces of jewelry, at least ten different kinds of chapstick. These things make me want to know her a million times more than I did before I entered her room, and I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to know all the stories behind everything I'm seeing.

"It's nice to be alone after being around people for a long time, huh?" She says, her lips forming a perfect curve while she speaks. "Sometimes it's exhausting to be around people. I get lonely a lot but I'm not used to so many people wanting to be around me."

"Are you kidding me?" I snorted. "I can't think of anyone who wouldn't want to hang out with you if they had the chance," I regret my boldness immediately but I try to stay cool as I look for her reaction.

"You all think I'm like, this big, important person, right? But I see you all, and I think that what you all have is something so precious and beautiful. You all have this closeness that I can tell you'll never lose and it's something I've never known. Not even with one person, you know? Seeing you all together makes me jealous," she lets out a sigh, covering her face with her hands. "Sorry, I didn't mean to go off like that. I just feel really comfortable around you for some reason. Like I don't need to fake anything around you."

I want to show her something, anything, that makes her want me as badly as I want her in that moment. All I can manage is to turn on my side on the bed towards her and gently pull her hands away from her face to reveal a blushing mess.

"You don't have to fake anything around me," I say, my voice audibly shaking. "I like you best when you're showing me a side of you that nobody else gets to see."

"Oh my god," she squeals, turning away from me and burying her face into her bed.

"I didn't mean to sound weird!" I say, sitting up and taking my turn to cover my face with my hands, embarrassment washing over me like a tidal wave.

"That's not it," she lifts her head from the sheets to speak. "You're too good at saying the right thing. It's not fair."

I laugh and peek out from my hands to see her looking up at me, which makes us both start giggling uncontrollably. I fall back into her bed, where she crawls up next to me, her face so close to mine I could have kissed her if I had the nerve; I didn't though. She smiled at me, her eyes crinkling- something I'd missed all the times she smiled before.

"You're really pretty," she whispered, her eyes tracing my features and making me feel self conscious.

"Don't get all embarrassed," she said. "You really are. You look like a prince." I'm dying to cover my bright red face and tell her not to say things like that but my eyes are completely locked on hers, unable to tear myself away from her.

"You too," I mumble, earning a loud laugh from her. Once I realized I said the prettiest girl to ever exist looked like a prince, I found myself laughing too, the nervousness slowly leaving me.

"(Y/n)- senpai," I started, drunk on the awkward giggles of the girl laying next to me in bed and the pounding of my heart. She groaned, giving me a glare that clearly wasn't that angry.

"I really like being with you," I'm so scared that I'm having trouble catching my breath as I continue to speak. "I really like spending time with you like this and I want to be with you more."

I'm stuck on her gaze again, her eyes boring into me as I waited for her to either kick me out or laugh at me. Neither happened though, and instead she wiggles closer to me, resting her head on my chest. My arm oh-so naturally curls around her and oh my god, this is not happening. I find my hands moving on their own, carefully pulling out her hair elastic and running my fingers through her soft hair, trying to remember how good it feels to be laying with her like this in case it never happens again.

"That sounds like something we can make happen," she mumbles, nuzzling closer to me. "Goodnight, Koushi."

Her eyes are already closed and I ignore the fact that we're on a completely bare mattress save the fitted sheet, and I ignore that my best friends are sound asleep in the next room, and I ignore everything else in the universe except for (y/n).


	4. 04

I'm woken up by loud whispers and giggles coming from the doorway of (y/n)'s room. I shot up once I saw half of my teammates watching us, accidentally pushing (y/n) off me in the process.

"What!?" She yelled, her eyes wide open but still clearly asleep. She let out a yelp, her head darting back and forth as she took in her surroundings.

"Is everyone okay?" She yelled, seemingly still unaware that there wasn't any danger. She was standing on her knees, her hands falling to her chest as she began to calm down. "Oh my god, I thought someone was hurt."

She let out a laugh, but then seemed to realize the actual situation- everybody staring at her and I, where we clearly fell asleep together. A deep shade of red crept behind her ears, spreading across her cheeks as she started to panic.

"It's not what it looks like!" She cried, covering her face with her hands. "Oh my god, get out. Everyone get out please." She was beyond embarrassed, looking like she might actually start crying as everyone quietly left the room except me. I reached my hand to place on her shoulder but she jerked her body away from me.

"You too," she whined. "Get out. I need a minute alone."

I wanted to protest but I didn't understand what she was so mortified about (it's not like we were found naked), and I got the vibe that it wasn't the time to ask. I silently left to face everyone alone, my heart racing in my chest.

Noya and Tanaka tackled me to the ground, their questions fueled with fake anger and curiosity. I pushed them off of me, trying to explain that what they saw was innocent and really not as exciting as they wished it was.

Hinata seemed more jealous than anyone else, pouting at me even though he intently listened while I told everyone we just happened to fall asleep next to each other.

"Next to each other?!" He shouted.  
"She was half on top of you! You got to keep her all to yourself and it's not fair!" Noya and Tanaka began to get rowdy too, yelling in agreement that (y/n) was off limits and that if anything we had to take turns. I started tuning them out, noticing Daichi and Asahi in the kitchen speaking quietly to each other. I got up to join them but at that moment (y/n) came out of her room, her expression blank. Silence spread over all of us instantly.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "I'll take you all home now." She'd changed into a different t-shirt and a pair of shorts; I felt guilty for taking note of how her legs looked when she was clearly feeling so bad. Everyone shuffled out of her apartment, Asahi walking across the street to his house, only saying goodbye to (y/n) and giving the rest of us a solemn wave.

"Uh," she said as we stood in front of her car, waiting to get in. "I can't fit all of you..."

Everyone sensed her change in attitude, and Noya and Tanaka volunteered to walk home despite (y/n) insisting she could take two trips. Once they were off, Daichi sat in the back with Kageyama and me, while Hinata sat in the front with (y/n). She let him be the guide for about ten minutes before we ended up completely across town from where we were going. She tossed her phone back to me and I began reading her directions, when a text message came in.

Asahi: Can we talk please?

I felt guilty reading it even though I couldn't help seeing the notification pop up. I continued reading directions, while Hinata babbled on to (y/n); she didn't seem to mind though, a small smile as he made sound effects to go along with his stories, Kageyama chiming in with "Dumbass Hinata" every now and then.

She dropped Kageyama off first, Daichi quickly scooting away from me.

"Thank you, (y/n)- senpai," He said once he got out, falling into a deep bow.

"Just call me (y/n) please!" She called as he walked inside. Next she dropped off Daichi who thanked her and also apologized for any trouble the team caused. His goodbye to me was awkward and almost strained, his expression hard to read.

Once it was just Hinata and me with her, I felt a little more calm.

"Hey, (y/n)- chan?" Hinata said, leaning his head on her arm while she drove.

"Yeah Shouyo?"

"Can I come over again?" He asked innocently, his voice seeming a little sleepy.

"Of course you can," she smiled, ruffling his hair. "You can come over whenever you want. Just text me and I'll pick you up as long as your parents don't mind."

He snuggled closer to her across the console, looking more at peace than I'd ever seen. It blew my mind that she calmed him down without even trying, his usual hyperactive nature taking a complete turn around. She did that to everyone though; she just had this aura around her that made you feel like nothing bad could happen and if it did she would take care of it anyways.

She slowed to a stop in front of Hinata's house, rubbing his shoulder as he sat up and smiled at her. She grinned and I felt relief wash over me to see her smile again, even if it wasn't for me. He got out, making her promise to come to a practice sometime soon so he could show her his amazing quick attack, saying he'd show her how to play even as he shut the door behind him.

"You wanna come up front?" (Y/n) asked, looking at me through the rear view mirror. I nodded and switched seats, but she didn't begin driving right away. I let a silence fall between us despite desperately aching to somehow comfort her, knowing I wasn't as good at always saying the right thing as she thought I was.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, her head leaned back against her seat. I had the perfect view of her profile from where I sat; the way her eyelashes rested on her skin when her eyes shut, and how the bridge of her nose dipped down perfectly into the curve of her lips, which followed into her jawline that I couldn't help but think about showering with kisses someday. I took a sharp breath in when she turned to face me, her expression sad.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I care too much about people liking me. It's just when I saw everyone's faces I was petrified that they'd lost respect for me and for you, too. I didn't want them interrogating you about it and I was scared you would be mad at me and I thought that you guys wouldn't want to be my f-friend anymore and-"

She'd started crying, her voice cracking while she spoke.

"I'm sorry," she hiccuped. I struggled to figure out the right comforting thing to do. Should I hold her hands? Should I rub her back? Put my hand on her leg? Touch her face? I know I'm losing my chance and my hands move on their own, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear then drifting down to her shoulder, rubbing small circles on her skin with my thumb. She gives me a weird, breathy laugh and I find myself leaning in closer to her, wanting to get a better view of her smile.

"I'm no match for you," she whispered, her voice soft. She picked her head up, looking up at the ceiling and taking a deep breath with her eyes closed. I let my hand slowly drop from her shoulder, sliding down her arm until I made myself pull away. She glanced at me as I did so and I wondered if she wished I'd kept my hand there.

"Do you wanna go home? Do you wanna get food? Actually just kidding, I don't have enough money on me. I don't know what to do," she laughed. "I don't wanna bring you home yet."

My face heats up at her sudden boldness which she doesn't even seem to realize, and I have trouble forming any sort of coherent response. She lets me stay quiet, reaching back to grab her phone. I force myself not to look at what she's doing, focusing on my hands in my lap instead of the gnawing thought that's she's most likely texting Asahi who she's probably closer with and likes more than me. These feelings of jealousy and anxiety eat away at me like nothing I've ever felt and my heart keeps telling me to make a sure move before it's too late.

"Hey," I say, turning to find her frowning at her phone. I pause and wait for her; she tosses her phone in the backseat, clearly upset at whatever she was looking at, then gives me her attention.

"Thanks for opening up to me," I say quietly. "I know I said it before but I really like that you're not afraid to be honest with me."

Her face flushes which makes mine do the same, both of us turning away from each other. She lets out a breathy laugh, and turns the keys in the ignition, letting our feelings remain unspoken.

"Your mom probably wants you home," she says as if she's trying to convince herself that the words are true. "I should bring you home now." She starts driving and I want to protest but what she's saying isn't wrong; my mom was probably beyond curious about how my night went and I quietly directed her to my house instead of begging to stay.

-

"You slept in the same bed with her!?" My mom squealed, only a hint of anger in her voice. I laughed, covering my blushing face with my hands.

"Yes mom!" I squealed back, not worrying about keeping my cool at this point. "She curled up right next to me and fell asleep right there! And then in the morning everybody saw us and it was so embarrassing!"

She laughed loudly as she made us lunch, shaking her head.

"Well that's what you get for sleeping in her bed with her! What did you expect?" I slumped against the kitchen table from where I sat, letting out a long sigh. My mom placed a sandwich in front of me then sat across the table, taking a bite of her food.

"Mom," I whined, my head whirling just from retelling the past twenty-four hours. "Is it supposed to feel like this?"

"What is?"

"Liking someone so much. I feel this tightness in my chest when she's not paying attention to me and I feel like my chest is going to burst when she is. I want to talk to her about everything but when I have the chance to talk it's like my mind is closed off for maintenance. It's torture but all I can think about is the next time I'll get to see her."

She gazed at me fondly and I suddenly felt like a dork for falling so hard for a girl I hardly even knew.

"You've got it bad," She sighed, standing to get a glass of water. "My best advice is to just let it happen naturally. These sort of things have a way of working out the way they're supposed to." I smile up at her, feeling lucky that my mother doubled as a friend and also didn't seem to mind me sleeping at a girl's house. We ate lunch together, her gentle teasing more of an endearment than anything else. I headed up to my room to finish the homework I'd abandoned yesterday to find my phone blinking with a notification.

(Y/n)- senpai: when do u guys practice usually? ill try to come by sometime this week

I couldn't believe how my heart soared at such a simple text message she could've sent to anyone on the team. Maybe that's why it made me so happy, because she chose me to ask over everyone else (or at least over Asahi). I forced myself to finish my homework before responding, not wanting to seem desperate. I finally sent her our schedule and she promised to stop by, adding a thumbs up emoji, which I thought was adorable for some reason.

I went to bed that night unaware of the light blinking on my phone still, an unread message waiting in my inbox.


	5. 05

The next day at school I was confronted by both Asahi and Daichi, although it seemed they each had their own separate need to talk to me from the way the awkwardly stood next to each other but not making eye contact.

"What's up guys?" I asked, confused about their serious expressions.

"I need to talk to you," Daichi said, looking almost disappointed in me.

"M-me too," Asahi chimed in. He looked as sheepish as ever and I didn't know who to respond to.

"Well, we can talk whenever you want," I said, my hands sweating even though I had no idea what was wrong. "Is everything okay?"

Asahi's face flushed a bit, scratching the back of his neck as he stayed quiet and avoided looking at me. Daichi on the other hand kept his eyes locked on mine, his gaze a mix of hurt and apprehension. He looked up at the ceiling and groaned, thrusting his hands in his pockets.

"We can talk after practice," he sighed, turning on his heel and walking away from Asahi and I. There were still a few minutes until classes began and I waited for him to open up, a very uncomfortable silence settling over us.

"Okay," he breathed, looking so nervous I thought he might faint. "You're one of m-my closest friends and I don't know how to say how much I appreciate you without it sounding weird, b-but, like, I wanted to talk about (y/n)..."

He looked up from his shoes trying to gauge my reaction, which must have been pretty telling because his eyes shot back to the floor after only a second. I frowned and looked away too, knowing what was coming.

"I know we both like her," he sighed, sounding more sure than before. "And I don't want to fight over her because she's too good for that and so are we. But this whole thing is killing me because I have no idea how she really feels about either of us and I- I just want all of us to be happy, you know?"

I was afraid he might start crying if I said the wrong thing, so I looked up at him with a smile. I wasn't faking it though; I felt relieved that we were on the same page, and despite all the confusion it felt good to finally lay everything out on the table.

"I feel the same, Asahi," I said. "Our friendship is really important to me- more than any girl, even if it is (y/n)."

We both laughed and I felt some of the suffocating tension leave the air and I felt relieved to have my smile returned by him finally.

"She's really something else though, isn't she?" He said as we walked to class together.

"It's not hard to believe both of us like her," I laughed, a little happy to talk to someone other than my mom about my crush, even if Asahi was technically my competition. "She's definitely something else to say the least." He blushed, covering his face with his hands as we entered our classroom.*

"She drives me so crazy," he said, his voice weak. "Is it the same for you? It's almost torture to like somebody so much..."

"Exactly!" I burst out. "I thought it was just me!"

We gushed to each other about (y/n) until class started, and it was refreshing to not be on edge with my best friend for the first time in seemingly ages. The day continued on the same high note, until practice came and I was reminded of Daichi's solemn expression from this morning.

"Hey Daichi," I said as we stretched together. "What did you wanna talk about this morning?"

He locked eyes with me, his gaze intense despite the blush creeping up his neck.

"Not here," he replied, giving me a nod that said we'd talk later, when we were alone. I nodded back, pushing away the anxious thoughts and focusing on volleyball instead.

Practice went by quickly, everybody on their A game- Kageyama and Hinata were barely even at each others' throats. After we'd all changed and said our goodbyes, I prepared myself for the looming conversation with Daichi. Asahi sensed the tension between us and walked with Noya, leaving us to ourselves.

"So," I began, trying to keep a positive attitude. "What's up?"

"Suga-san," he stopped walking and grabbed my bicep, both of us now facing each other. "We're best friends, right?"

I gave him a confused look, caught off guard by his question.

"Of course," I answered, sure to look him in the eyes. His gaze was like a knife, sharp and serious. "What makes you ask?"

"That means we don't keep secrets from each other, right?"

"Of course not," I spoke, my heart beginning to pound in my chest. "Daichi, what's going on?" He clutched my arm that he had yet to let go of and I put a hand on his shoulder, trying to understand him.

"Suga... I feel like you're becoming distant from me," he finally broke eye contact, his eyes darting away from me. "And I know it's because of (y/n). And I'm not mad at you or anything for liking her, but I wish you would at least tell me instead of ignoring my texts all the time and getting lost in daydreams about her when we're together."

I pulled my hand away from him, guilt washing over me. I found it difficult to look at him now, let alone respond.

"I... Daichi, I'm-"

"You don't have to apologize," he interrupted, his voice strong and confident as always. "Just... we're best friends, okay? It makes me nervous that as soon as a girl shows up I have to worry about our plans for the future changing. I don't want to have to find another roommate or change universities before we graduate."* He laughed and I knew he was trying to lighten things up as we finally continued to walk home, but I felt myself drowning in my thoughts, unable to genuinely laugh along with him. We eventually parted ways and once I was alone with just my thoughts they consumed me.

Am I losing touch with what's actually important to me all over a girl? If we got together would I change my plan to go to university and mold myself around her instead? When did Daichi even text me? Oh my god, I really am losing it because of her. Do I have to force myself to forget about her so things go back to normal? Do I even want to go back to how things were, though?

I went inside quietly, slipping out of my shoes and heading upstairs to my room before even greeting my parents, not up to explaining everything right then. I let my backpack slide off my shoulders as I slowly sat on my bed, leaning my head down to my knees. My heart hadn't stopped racing, my thoughts rushing in my head as I tried to calm myself down.

I knew the truth deep down; I knew that Daichi was completely right, that I'd changed since I met (y/n). It wasn't her fault, as badly as I wanted it to be so I wouldn't have only myself to blame. I knew I'd fallen too quickly, totally enamored by all my self-made ideas of her, rather than the girl who I'd only met twice. I desperately wanted to force myself to stop thinking about her, to get her face out of my head but as hard I tried my heart felt too empty at even the idea of not at least getting the chance to know her better.

I changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and fell into bed, too conflicted to eat or focus on studies. I wondered if (y/n) thought about the possibility of us never becoming more than friends, or if she thought about me at all. It seemed impossible that I could spend so much time thinking of one person without popping into their head even once. I eventually drifted off into a restless, dreamless sleep, wondering what exactly "normal" meant at this point and if it was worth the aching pain in my heart.

-

Days go by and (y/n) doesn't show up to any of our practices, much to Hinata's dissapointment. I don't try texting her or starting any conversations, knowing that it was best to let things work out on their own rather than force it.

One thing I couldn't quite help myself from though was finding her on almost every social media site, staying up until the late hours of the morning completely engulfed in her profiles. She was more than a writer, I'd found out- she was nothing less than famous online, followers in over the hundred thousands on every site.* Her Twitter account had over one million followers, a number I couldn't possibly fathom. How did the awkward girl I'd fallen for have an entire life I had no clue about? She posted about everything from the environment to the inner workings of feminism to what she ate for breakfast and what her outfit for the day was. I hit the "follow" button, slightly self conscious at how underwhelming my 643 followers were compared to hers, even though before I thought I had a lot.

A week goes by without any word from (y/n) and I suddenly remember that she is an actual adult, who has to pay for her own bills and groceries and anything else a person needs. We were all probably a microscopic thought in her head at any given time, and I finally let myself stop stressing about why she hadn't texted me or come to a practice. Asahi and I would mention her now and then but it wasn't exactly the most comfortable topic and she usually passed from our conversations without any real trouble.

After another two weeks I wondered if (y/n) had been a strange and lovely dream I'd had. The weather was becoming hot as summer approached and it felt like she had came and went so quickly she must not have been real, until one late afternoon I saw a head peek in through the gymnasium doors, a big grin across her face. Coach Ukai waved her in and she scurried inside, a look of relief as she entered the air conditioned room.

"Hey!" Ukai barked. "I didn't say to stop just because (y/n) is here! Get back to work!" All of us swiftly returned to drills but I couldn't help my gaze gravitating towards where she stood next to Ukai and Takeda Sensei, her smile bright as they spoke words I couldn't hear. Her eyes flicked to me for just a moment and mortification swept over me that I'd been caught staring. I set another ball as my teammates spiked them over the net, Hinata looking anxious to make sure (y/n) was watching when it was his turn.

"(Y/n), (y/n)!" He said as I got ready to set the ball for him. She turned away from her uncle, smiling when she saw Hinata. "Watch me!" She nodded and glanced at me again, my head whipping back towards my underclassman. I tossed the ball at just the right angle for him, sure to make it high enough so he could show off his jumping to (y/n). As soon as his spike hit the other end of the court he ran over to her, much to Ukai's anger.

"Was it good?" He asked, hanging on her every word. Her lips curled up at an angle more perfect than any toss I'd ever thrown and I thought in that moment that she could literally turn a grey sky blue with her smile. Everybody gathered around her and I realized she couldn't have been a dream because there was no possible way my brain could create someone so perfect. Daichi and I join the group and I remind myself to try and keep my distance since in reality this is the third time we've met and that there is plenty of time for me to fall in love with her. Forever, I think.

Practice ends and the heat is so intense outside that it nearly knocks me down. (Y/n) lingers for a while, talking with Ukai more seriously than before. The whole team is clearly waiting for her, everybody clamoring to grab her attention.

"Why aren't you with her?" Tsukishima scoffs as he approaches me. "Isn't she your girlfriend?"

I know my face is as red as the sunset and I smile up at him, feeling Daichi's eyes from where he stood next to me.

"No, she's not my girlfriend..." I chuckle, when I notice Tsukishima's eyes looking behind me. I turn and see (y/n), her expression curious.

"Who's not your girlfriend?" She asks, and I hate the innocence she's feigning because there's no way she doesn't know what's going on.

"You," Tsuki says as he and Yamaguchi turn away to walk home, leaving me and (y/n) the center of attention among the rest of the team who stood around us. Despite what I thought she smiles at me; not a fake, I'm-so-uncomfortable smile but a genuine one. I find myself smiling back in the same way, everybody else fading into the background as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Not yet, at least."

 

 

-

*idk if they are canonically in the same class but........if they aren't my b

*idk if this is canon either but for this fic dai and suga r going to univ together and will b roommates that's the whole plan they have :'-)

*wow so many notes at the end of this chap anyways (y/n) is the equivalent of like alexis isabel or destiny eartheld (if u don't know them look them up they r awesome) ok. cool


	6. 06

The air had become humid and clingy, summer clearly letting us know it had arrived. I laid down across (y/n)'s couch, the air conditioning providing a sweet relief from the oppressive weather just outside. She was sitting in the kitchen scrolling through her phone quietly; the apartment was peaceful, the only sound the air conditioner.

"Hey," I called out. "Do you wanna do anything?"

"No," she laughed, her voice ringing through the house. "It's too hot. I wanna take a nap." She stood up and walked into the living room, looking down at me from where I laid on the couch.

"It's already almost seven," I said, gazing up at her. "It's not really a nap at this point, is it?"

"Fine," she groaned, pushing me so I was now sitting up. She spread her legs across me, snuggling up to a throw pillow and closing her eyes. "Wake me up in an hour."

I wanted to tell her to get up and actually hang out with me but I knew not to push it, the fact that I was the one she was sprawled across more than enough anyways. I quietly took out my phone and snapped a picture of her, not daring to post it. I was happier keeping it to myself anyways; it was like a secret just for her and I.

I felt so lucky to have this girl snoring next to me, even if it was confusing and strange and complicated. (Y/n) wasn't my girlfriend- "not yet" according to her. We'd been hanging around each other more than I ever dreamed and it was incredible. All her little quirks I discovered as we drove around or sat on her couch like we were now, they felt like treasures to me.

I still had so many questions for her, like do you actually like me? Are we dating and I just don't know it? Did you like Asahi before? Are we gonna move in together? Are we going to get married someday? I let these things go unsaid though, always too awestruck that (y/n) was even next to me to care about the technicalities. I decided to just let our relationship play out how it would, and if that meant just letting her lay across my lap forever, I would be perfectly fine.

My phone buzzed on the arm of the couch, the little blue light flashing.

Daichi: What do you wanna do for your birthday next week? We can do something after school or the sunday before

I decide to think about it for a while before responding, knowing that Daichi would rather wait for me than get an "I don't know". The hour passes by slowly and I have plenty of time to think about his question, but by eight o'clock my mind's as blank as it was an hour before. I gently shake (y/n)'s arm, calling her name quietly to wake her up. I love the little noise that escapes her lips as she begins to sit up, placing her hand on my leg as she stretches out. I try not to notice the touch but fail miserably as my heart skips a beat in my chest.

"That was a good nap," she mumbles, her voice syrupy sweet. "Sorry I'm always so boring. I just like you being here, you know?" I smile at her and place my hand on hers where it still rested on my leg, a rush of bravery going through me.

"I don't mind," I chuckle. "I like being here, too." I'm afraid for a quick second that she's going to lean in to kiss me but I'm thankfully mistaken. Despite dreaming of the moment a million times, every time she gazes at me and I think oh my god, it's happening, all of my fears about being the worst kisser pop into my head. She stands up and walks into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from her fridge then plopping back on the couch.

"I should probably bring you home now, huh," she says, not really as a question but like she's talking to herself. I nod at her but neither of us make any effort to stand up and leave; we sit quietly on the couch, when she gingerly rests her head on my shoulder. I'm surprised by the action, unsure how to react as she places her hand on my arm, her stare seeming far away. I decide to do nothing and hope she stays like this forever.

"It's confusing, isn't it?" She asks.

"What is?"

"Feeling like this. Feeling like this is the most natural thing in the world, like I've belonged here my whole life and I'm finally where I should be. But that couldn't be true, could it?"

I'm lost for words and my pulse in my ears reaches a crescendo, deafening me.

"Why couldn't it?" I finally say, not looking at her until I feel her head lift up to look at me. She smiles.

"That's true." She says as she stands up and grabs her keys off the counter, heading toward the door. She slips on a pair of flip-flops in the hallway and I follow behind her, still lightheaded from her previous words. We get in her car and it's quiet; I don't have to give her directions to my house anymore.

"What should I do for my birthday?" I decide to ask, trying to get my mind off the unspoken words between us.

"Why?" She asks. "Is it soon?"

"Yeah, it's next week. June thirteenth."

"What?!" She yelled. "Did you plan on telling me at some point or did you just wanna wait so I'd look like a total asshole?"

"What?" I laughed, loving the way her eyebrows raised when she was mad, and how a deep red creeped up her neck. "You don't have to get me anything." She rolled her eyes, taking one hand off the wheel to lightly push me. I giggled and tried not to get too excited about the way her hand felt on my skin, wishing I could feel it again.

"Let me know what you end up doing, okay?" She said, her voice genuine. "I wanna see you on your big day. How old are you gonna be?"

"Eighteen."

"Oh my god!" She squeaked, a huge grin on her face. "That's so exciting! I'm so excited for you."

I laughed and thanked her, in disbelief that she wanted to see me on my birthday- that she really wanted to see me at all. It always shocked me that she didn't have anything better to do; now and then she'd talk about driving into the city to talk on the radio, and going to interview celebrities and politicians, and I'd see it all online, which only made me want to get to know her more.

"Alright," she sighed, slowing to a stop in front of my house. "I'll see you around, Koushi."

I hesitated getting out of her car, not wanting to leave just yet. I pushed the thoughts away and opened the door but she caught my wrist before I could step out.

"Are you okay? You look like you wanted to say something," she asked, seeing right through me. I felt my face flush and tried to look away but she tugged on me, forcing me to meet her eye to eye. Her eyes were dark in the dim overhead light of her car, a few pieces of hair sticking to her neck in the thick summer heat, a rosy glow on her cheeks; she was ethereal, an angel waiting to drop me off outside my house.

"I- I just..."

"Just tell me what you want to say. You don't have to be afraid with me."

Her words sent a chill down my spine along with a sudden rush of bravery that pushed me forward, placing a hand gently on her thigh as I leaned my face into hers. I closed my eyes, too afraid to see her expression as I awkwardly placed my lips on hers; she sharply inhaled but leaned into me, resting her hand on my bicep just where the sleeve on my t-shirt ended. A moment passed and I began to pull away but she leaned closer, our lips still touching as she tilted her head, deepening the kiss. A weird noise escaped my throat as she squeezed my arm and after another second we both pulled away, our eyes locked. Everything seemed clearer somehow, as if the world had been cleansed in an almost heavenly rain. I took a deep breath, unable to look away from her.

"I really like you," she breathed, breaking the silence between us. Her words were rushed, like she forced herself to say them before getting too scared.

"I like you too," I said, smiling. "I really like you so much. You really have no idea how-"

"Yes I do," she laughed, our eyes not leaving each other's for even a second. "It's been killing me for so long. I always liked you, Koushi. I always, always liked you and I never wanted to say it because I didn't want to mess up you and your friends."

"I thought you liked Asahi for so long," I laughed, my voice higher than usual.

"I like Asahi but it's not the same as how I like you," She spoke. "It's different with you. It's always been different with you ever since we met and I always wanted to tell you but I was too afraid."

I was tempted to lean in and kiss her again just to relive it but I didn't, simply reaching for her hand and twining our fingers together.

"Well, you just did," I smiled. I didn't know what the right thing to do was at this point, everything feeling so surreal that I wondered if I was dreaming.

"Okay," she breathed, nodding to herself. "Okay. We should talk tomorrow. Text me when you're home and I'll come by."

"Okay," I nodded, my legs carrying me out of her car and to my front door. She waved to me before she drove off, and once she was finally out of sight I jumped in the air, pumping my fists as I yelled out with joy, not caring if the neighbors heard. Once I finished my outburst I walked inside, my mom and dad sitting on the couch. My dad looked at me like I'd lost my mind while my mom just smirked at me, having probably watched the entire scene from the window.

"Everything okay?" My dad asked.

"More than okay, Dad," I sighed. "A million times better than okay." My mom giggled and told me dinner was in the microwave, not even making me dish all the details to her right then. I sat at the table alone after I reheated my food, scrolling through my phone with my cheeks still feeling hot despite the air conditioning. I pushed my hair back from where it stuck to my forehead with sweat and thought about how (y/n) looked just moments ago, and wondered if she thought of me in the same way. Every detail and aspect of her floated through my mind every hour of the day, and after our kiss my brain would need forever to mull over every little thing.

I still felt her lips on mine even as I ate; how they felt like gummy candy and didn't taste like anything, and how her breath was cool against my hot skin in that millisecond before we pulled away. I couldn't wait for the next time we kissed, imagining what it might be like to place my hand on her waist, or her cheek, or the back of her neck, and how it would feel if she ran her hands through my hair and, oh my god, we're probably going to make out at some point and probably even more than that eventually. I stopped my raging thoughts and got up to get a glass of water, trying to focus on reality instead of my daydreams.

Later that night as I laid in bed and mindlessly scrolled through my phone I remembered Daichi's message. I told him that the team could go out to eat to celebrate or we could just all hang out; after, I got up to plug my phone in but Daichi had already responded before I got back into bed.

Daichi: Did you wanna do anything just you and me?

I found his text a little strange but responded all the same, saying if he wanted to then that would be fine. I put my phone on silent and crawled back into my bed, ready to sleep the moment my head hit the pillow, my thoughts heavy with thoughts of (y/n) and kisses and dates and birthdays and everything in between.

I fell asleep before Daichi responded again, the little light blinking on my phone as I soundly slept.


	7. 07

I rolled out of bed nervous, knowing it would be a long wait until (y/n) and I saw each other. I crossed the room to grab my phone and saw texts from both Daichi and Asahi.

Daichi: I just thought you might wanna do something special for your 18th haha

Asahi: hey what do you wanna do for your bday??

I responded to both quickly before tossing my phone on my bed and hopping in the shower. After, I went downstairs and saw that my dad had already left and my mom was on her way out.

"Koushi, I know you mentioned (y/n) might be stopping by," she said as she slipped on her heels. "Just make sure nothing funny happens since me and your father won't be home until later, okay?"

I blushed and nodded, too embarrassed to make eye contact. She kissed me goodbye and ran out of the house, her heels clicking on the floor. I quietly sat at the table alone and poured my cereal- I wondered if this was what it was like to live alone, like (y/n). The silence overwhelmed me after a short time and I packed my things and left for practice earlier than usual.

The sun had hardly risen when I got to the doors of the gym, where I could hear Daichi's voice calling out orders already despite me being early. Inside it was just him along with Hinata and Kageyama, practicing their quick attack. I waved at them as I headed into the locker room to change, and once I got out Tanaka, Noya, and Asahi had arrived, everyone gathered in a circle even though they weren't changed yet.

"Summer vacation is in a little more than a month," Daichi said. "So we need to start getting ready for the training camp now, instead of falling behind while we're there."

Everyone agreed and once the entire team had arrived and changed, we went into full gear. The time passed by quickly and once classes had began I was already a bit exhausted.

I floated through the day, dreaming of volleyball and (y/n) until it was finally time to go to practice again. Since we all kept our focus during morning practice, Ukai let us out early this time, saying he was feeling generous today. I quickly changed and got my things together, anxious to see (y/n) after our kiss.

"Hey," Daichi called out just as I was stepping out of the gym, Asahi trailing behind him. "Wait up."

I stopped, nervousness building in the pit of my stomach as I realized they would need an explanation of where I was going in such a hurry. I knew this conversation was coming eventually, and I knew I'd have to break Asahi's heart but I really, really didn't want to.

"Where are you going, Suga?" Daichi asked, both of them facing me. I began to stammer and I was unsure of how to answer despite rehearsing the moment in my head throughout the whole day.

"I, uhm, I'm-"

"Are you going to hang out with (y/n)?" Asahi asked, no hint of sadness or jealousy in his voice. I felt heat crawl up my cheeks and stared down at my feet.

"Yeah," I said, my voice coming out more like a squeak than anything else.

"You don't need to hide it," Asahi said, smiling at me. "I said I wanted all of us to be happy and I meant it. If that means you two being together then that's okay."

I smiled up at him, relief washing over me. Daichi was smiling too, his gaze looking a bit far away.

"I'm happy for you." Daichi finally said, locking his eyes on mine. We all gave each other a mutual nod that said "We're all good" and said our goodbyes, both of them staying behind in the gym with the rest of the team as I began to walk home. I pulled out my phone and saw two texts from (y/n); one asking when I got home from school, the other telling me to hurry up before she started looking for me. I typed back as I walked down the road, assuring her I was on my way.

As I shoved my phone back in my pocket I felt my heart soaring at the feeling just her text gave me. It was strange to know she was waiting for me in the same way I'd waited for her, and I wondered if she found me anywhere near as fascinating as I found her. It took every ounce of self control not to walk down the street with a giant, dorky grin on my face but before long I was home; neither of my parents' cars were in the drive yet just like my mom had mentioned.

I got inside and slipped my shoes off, tossing my backpack by the stairs before I texted (y/n) that I was home. I sat on the couch and turned on the television but didn't really watch it, my mind racing as I waited for her to get here, a million scenarios playing out in my head. Not even five minutes passed before a knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts; I jumped from the couch and realized just as my hand reached for the doorknob that I hadn't even changed clothes, or cleaned up the house, or put on deodorant. I felt self conscious as I opened the door but it left me as I saw her smiling at me, reaching for a hug before coming in. I placed my hands on her back so gently that she may not have even felt it.

She pulled away and we simply looked at each other for a minute; she was wearing glasses today* and I adored the way they rested on the bridge of her nose, a little too big for her face. She had on leggings (or were they yoga pants? I didn't know the difference) that ended half way up her calves, and a zip up sweatshirt. I noticed her hair was down and I had the unexplainable urge to run my hands through it, although I didn't. I finally let her in and she smiled as she looked around curiously.

"I didn't get to really look around the last time I was here," she said, her voice soft. "This is really nice. It definitely feels like more of a home than just a house." She wandered into the kitchen, taking a moment to look at all the photos framed on the walls as she placed her keys and a water bottle she brought with her on the table.

"Wow," she said as she sat at the table. I found it funny that she was setting the pace even when we were at my house. I didn't mind though, since I was too jittery to say anything coherent anyways.

"This really is such a nice place," she said. "Are your parents home? I wanna tell them how much I like it."

"No," I breathed, trying to make the nervousness go away. "They said they'd both be at work late today." I thankfully just stop myself from saying It's just us.

"Oh, okay," she says, still gazing up at the pictures. "I wish my apartment was like this. I should print out some pictures so it feels more like a home instead of where I just sleep at night, huh?" She said it jokingly, but something inside of me ached to become a part of her life that she could frame on the wall and think This makes it home.

"Yeah," I said, glancing up at the pictures. "You haven't been living there too long though, have you? It takes time to make a place feel like home. My family has lived here like, forever."

"You're right," she answered, her eyes leaving the walls and staring into mine. There's a quiet that comes over us as we stare at each other and her unblinking gaze almost scares me with its intensity. She finally blinked and slapped her hand against the table, her head falling back.

"Damn it!" She laughed, continuing to giggle as she spoke. "I wanted to win."

"Were you just having a staring contest without telling me?" I chuckled, her laugh contagious.

"Yeah! I do that with my dad all the time. Is that weird?" She had laid her head on the table, stretching her arms across the cool wooden surface.

"I've never done that," I said, mimicking the way she was sprawled across the small table but keeping my hands in my lap. She let out one of her awkward laughs and looked at me, her gaze softer now.

"I like your little beauty mark," she said quietly, reaching across and poking the mole under my eye. I blushed as she pulled her hand back, the idea that she liked such a small thing about me making my heart fly.

"Koushi," she spoke, her voice still gentle and calm. "I really like you."

"I really like you too," I said, my voice barely a whisper. I wanted to say more but I didn't know what. I wanted to tell her I wanted to spend every day with her and cook meals with her and decorate her apartment together and go on midnight drives and wake up next to her and write songs about her and that every little moment was one that I wanted to be by her side- but I didn't say anything.

"It's hard to say how we really feel, isn't it?" She said. "I keep saying in my head, 'Just tell him! Just tell him what you want to say!' But my mouth won't form the right words."

"I know how you feel," I laughed quietly. It felt like we were going nowhere, the silence stretching out over us, and panic set in me that I might be losing my chance.

"(Y/n), I really like you and I have for a long time," I stumbled over my words, losing my courage in record time. She lifted her head from the table, pink spreading across her face. "I- I've liked you for a really long time and I... I want you to be my girlfriend."

I kept my eyes locked on her, afraid she might dissappear if I even blinked. She smiled despite the harsh blush across her cheeks, just barely nodding her head.

"Yes," she whispered, her voice high. "Yes, Koushi." I liked the way she said my name and it made me blush to hear it. She reached her hands across the table again, making a grabbing motion with her fingers. I finally took my hands from my lap and reached towards her, locking our fingers together.

We stayed like that for a little while; I absent-mindedly rubbed my thumb across the back of her hand, enjoying the way her hands fit into mine as well as the sound of our breathing being the only noise in the whole house. This sort of comfortable silence would usually make me anxious to break it, but I finally felt my heartbeat calm down as she closed her eyes with her head on the table, the tiniest hint of a smile on her lips.

"Can we sit on the couch?" She broke the silence, keeping our fingers linked together. I nodded and stood up, finally pulling away from her. She got up and followed me into the living room, her steps close behind. Before I could sit she wrapped her arms around my waist from behind, nuzzling into my back. She let out a little hum before pulling away and looking at me, her lips curved into the most perfect smile. I love you, I said in my head, the thought surprising me. She flopped onto the couch, patting the empty space next to her. I sat down and grabbed the remote, clicking the television on even though I knew I wouldn't really be watching it. She leaned her head on my shoulder and my hand found its way to hers, linking us together in her lap. I let my head rest gently on hers and I felt the calmness return to me, my thoughts finally becoming silent as we quietly watched TV together.

I knew it then that we would be more than just a little fling that I might fondly look back on when I was old; I could only hope that she was my The One, my "I do", and my forever.

 

\---

*i know not everyone wears glasses but like.......everyone looks so cute in them i couldn't resist also i usually dont like 2 write abt specific outfits so like. srry if this part is awkward haha


	8. 08

I like the way she fits so nicely in my arms, and how her hair brushes against my neck when she nuzzles in close. I like how she picks at her nail polish while we absent-mindedly watch TV, and how she rests her hand on my knee, drawing invisible patterns with her fingers on my sweatpants. I like being alone in my living room with her and pretending my parents won't come home tonight, imagining waking up next to her.

She continues running her fingers up and down my knee and I play with a piece of her hair while all this is going on in my head. It's around six o'clock and I know my parents won't be home for at least a couple of hours. My stomach growls as (y/n) is sprawled out half across me and she lets out an obnoxious laugh which I, of course, find endearing.

"Hungry?" She looks up at me from where she's laying and her expression is distant. She reaches up and runs a finger across my lower lip; as sexual as I'd always imagined the gesture it feels almost innocent and I let myself mirror the motion on her. Her lips were smooth and warm and I didn't realize I was leaning down to kiss them until I felt her hand on the back of my neck pulling me closer. I sighed into the kiss, closing my eyes as she shifted beneath me, pulling me on top of her. I immediately felt self conscious but I forgot it as she wrapped both arms around me, closing most of the distance between us. I felt my thoughts drift away, all of my senses too busy with how she felt beneath me, and the way her open mouth felt on mine, and focusing on not knocking my teeth against hers. It was a completely foreign sensation to have someone else's tongue in my mouth but it was also the best thing that's probably ever happened to me, so when she ran her tongue across my lower lip I couldn't help the low moan that escaped my lips.

She smiled into the kiss, pulling away for a moment to look at me. She held my face in her hands, skimming her thumb over the mole under my eye.

"I really love it," she said mostly to herself before pulling me close again, picking up where we left off. I slowly let one of my hands slide down the side of her body, ghosting over her curves as I brought it back up to her face. We kissed and kissed and kissed, and even when my lips felt numb I didn't want it to end. She tentatively ran a hand down my back, the other through my hair. I didn't care that she'd most likely kissed other people before, thoroughly enjoying learning how with her hands now placed on my chest, mine resting comfortably where her waist dipped into her hips, my thumb just slipping underneath her sweatshirt. I let my hand trail a little further up her shirt and the way she curved her back into my touch gave me enough confidence to go a little further. My fingertips just felt the bottom of her bra (it was lacy) when a loud ringing came from the kitchen, both of us jumping off of each other.

"Oh my god," she groaned as she ran to the table where she left her phone. I stood up and took a deep breath for the first time in seemingly years as she mouthed that she had to answer the phone. She slipped on her shoes and stepped outside, answering the phone in a tone I'd never heard from her before. I sat back on the couch and ran a hand through my hair, knowing it was messy but not quite caring. I was surprised the neighbors couldn't hear my heart pounding in my chest, along with my every nerve buzzing with electricity.

(Y/n) was outside for a while and I decided to go upstairs quickly and change into clothes I hadn't practiced in, opting for a slightly different pair of sweatpants and a fresh t-shirt. I put on deodorant before heading back downstairs, (y/n) still talking on the phone outside. I grabbed myself a glass of water and sat at the table, still trying to catch my breath. Another few minutes and she finally came back inside, her expression clearly troubled.

"What's wrong, (y/n)?" I ran over to where she stood staring at the carpet, my hands naturally finding their way to her shoulders. She took a deep breath and I could tell she was trying not to cry, her lower lip shaking.

"It's nothing," she squeaked, her eyes still glued to the ground. I gently put my hand under her chin, coaxing her to at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked again, my voice more gentle than I'd ever heard it. She took another deep breath, shaking her hands out at her sides before speaking.

"I just- I just got here not that long ago and there are already so many people trying to get me to leave. I'm so, so happy here and I finally feel normal for the first time since I was fourteen and all of these people are trying to make me, like, something bigger than I really am now. But they're promising so much that it's hard to say no and I'm so confused and sometimes I wish nobody had ever found me online and I wish I was just normal and I could-"

"Hey," I interrupted, stopping her spiral downward. "You've done so much good with your writing and posts and videos and everything. You've done things that are important, (y/n). You're important. It doesn't matter who's calling and telling you what to do or where to go because no matter where you are you're going to be important."

Her eyes watered up and I felt completely helpless at that point, tears streaming down her face as she began to sniffle.

"I- I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?" I asked, nervous she was going to slap my hand away as reached for her. She shook her head and wiped away the tears despite the fact that she was still crying, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on my chest.

"It scares me how good you are," she mumbled. "I'm scared to put you on a pedestal because I know you're a person just like I am."

Her words confused me so I just pulled her in a little tighter, my stomach growling loudly as I did so. She laughed and so did I, feeling the tension dissipate a bit as we pulled away from each other.

"How does dinner sound?" I asked, finding myself smiling at her as she pulled her sleeves past her hands and carefully wiped away the tears from under her eyes, avoiding the mascara still on her eyelashes. It was such a small little movement but it felt intimate somehow. I hated and loved seeing her cry; I obviously didn't enjoy her being upset but I couldn't help and relish in the fact that she became so vulnerable for me.

I pecked her once more on the lips before she spoke, unable to help myself. She smiled at me and it looked so natural, like I'd always been the one she smiled for.

"Let's go out," she said, reaching for my hand. "It'll be our first date. That way everything's all official." My face flushed and I looked down as I followed her out of the house, sure to text my parents that I was leaving for a bit. I climbed into the passenger seat and nearly sat on her entire collection of CDs, her loud scream stopping me.

"Sorry!" She yelled, frantically throwing everything into the backseat, carefully picking one disk to pop in the player before letting me sit down. "I haven't cleaned in here in forever. I should probably do that soon. "

I giggled as she finally started the car, driving us to wherever she decided to go. After a couple minutes she placed her hand on my thigh, letting it rest there comfortably. I had to force myself not to overthink the gesture, even when she began to rub her thumb in lazy circles. I wondered if she knew how crazy her touch drove me or if she was completely unaware. I made a note in my head to get her back someday, even though I wasn't serious.

She hummed throughout the ride and even though I didn't know the songs that were playing I liked listening to her. She eventually pulled into a small parking lot for a place that served ice cream as well as some actual food thankfully. She unbuckled and turned around in her seat, rummaging through her back seat with her entire backside practically in my face.

"Sorry," she laughed. "Enjoy the view for now."

"I am," I chuckled, patiently waiting for her to find whatever it was she was looking for. She finally popped back up with a very wrinkled t-shirt in hand, holding it in front of her.

"Can I wear this?" She asked. "I wanna sit outside but it's too hot for this sweatshirt and I don't have anything underneath."

"It's really wrinkled," I said, wishing she'd brought this concern up before we left so I could have given and seen her one of my t-shirts.

"Whatever," she sighed, taking off her sweatshirt in front of me, leaving her in just a bra for a couple of moments. I couldn't help but look and of course we made eye contact; she burst into laughter though, resting her head on the steering wheel shirtless as she continued to giggle.

"What's so funny!?" I asked, my cheeks inflamed.

"You're so cute," she giggled, finally pulling the wrinkled shirt over her head. "You're just really cute. Don't be embarrassed."

We got out of the car and she looked down at her shirt as we walked to the order window, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose as she tried to straighten out the hopelessly wrinkled shirt.

"It's pretty bad, huh?" She laughed, giving up on pulling the fabric. I smiled at her and cautiously twined our hands together, hoping she didn't mind it in public. She grinned at me and I noticed how her gums showed a teeny bit when she smiled big, only when she was really happy. When we got to the order window she let me go first and then only got ice cream for herself, which I found a little funny. We sat at one of the wooden picnic-style benches while we waited; the sun had just begun to set, a golden glow casting on everything.

"Hey," I said, pulling her attention away from her phone. "Can I take a picture of you?"

She laughed, trying to hide her blushing face. I thought maybe my question was weird, but she looked so pretty in the golden light that I couldn't help myself. She nodded and I pulled out my phone but she still hid her face in her hands, peeking at me through them.

"What do you want me to do?" She groaned.

"I should have just taken a picture when you weren't paying attention," I laughed. "Just smile. You look really cute."

"In my old wrinkled shirt!" She burst out laughing, finally moving her hands away from her face. I snapped the picture then but she didn't seem to care, continuing to giggle.

"Are you gonna post it?" She said, now resting her chin in her hand as she looked at me. Her cheeks were flushed still but it was more with laughter and the humidity than embarrassment now. I pretended to be scrolling through my phone but I turned the sound off and took another picture of her before I answered, saving that one for just me.

"I don't know. I sort of like having moments like that just for me."

"Creep," she laughed, poking my shin with her foot under the table. "Well now it's my turn. Smile."

I gave her a big, cheesy smile and she giggled as she looked down at her phone after she took the picture. A content look settled on her face before somebody brought over our food; she immediately put her phone down and took a bite of her ice cream after thanking the worker. I began to eat, starving because I hadn't eaten since before practice.

The sun set quickly and by the time we were about finished it was mostly dark out. She held her spoon out to me, the melty ice cream dripping onto the wooden table.

"Try some," she said. I leaned over and ate the ice cream; it was sweet in contrast to the burger I'd just eaten and I half wished I got my own.

"Thank you," I said as I wiped my mouth, crumpling up my napkin and putting it on my plate. I glanced up to see her staring at me, her expression hard to read.

"Is there something on my face?" I wiped my lips with the back of my hand, feeling self conscious.

"No, no, not at all," she smiled, standing up and gathering up the trash on the tray. "You're just... I'm really happy to be here with you right now. That's all."

She scurried off the the trash and I got the feeling that we were both blushing at that moment; I distracted myself with my phone and looked at the two pictures of her again. I set the one she didn't know I was taking, her expression all dreamy and serene, as my home screen, quickly locking my phone when she came back.

"Let's get going," she said, her voice soft. I stood up and put my phone in the pocket of my sweatpants, following her quietly to the car. She turned the volume of the music down to a low hum once she started the car, both of us still calmly silent as she began to drive back to my house.

We stayed like that the entire ride and it felt comfortable. It felt like I'd ridden in the passenger seat of her car a million times, any of the nerves usually accompanying a first date missing. Our hands somehow ended up loosely tangled together on the center console, thumbs rubbing imaginary circles over warm skin as she drove.

My parents still weren't home when we got back and (y/n) decided to take her leave then. As much as I wanted to tell her to stay, I didn't, settling on a lazy kiss on the lips before I got out of the car and went inside. I somehow felt so incredibly full of everything that had happened with her today, yet empty at the same time now that she was gone. I went upstairs and started on studying, unable to focus with a million thoughts tumbling around in my brain.

My parents didn't get home until past ten o'clock and by then I was so exhausted that the only thing I told them was good night. I sprawled out on top of the covers, falling asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. My last thoughts before I drifted off were of (y/n), and if she was laying in her bed thinking of me.


	9. 09

My birthday came and went, eighteen turning out to be slightly less glamorous than I'd fantasized. I spent it with my parents, along with Daichi, Asahi, and (y/n). She helped my mom cook dinner while the rest of us played video games; it all felt natural, like this happened every year. My parents loved (y/n), especially my mom, fawning all over her like a child every time she came over, which was often now.

I liked having her over; she helped me with homework, made dinner with my mom, quietly watched TV with my dad, and when we'd manage to slip off to my room we'd kiss until our lips were pink and swollen. It was like a dream come true and before long I couldn't remember what life was like before (y/n).

The weather had become nearly suffocating, the sun not taking a break for days on end. Even when it seemed like rain the clouds never broke open, usually making way for the sun again before long. Summer vacation was right around the corner and I couldn't wait to enjoy it with (y/n).

-

Everyone on the team seemed drained by the heat in the gym, sweat dripping from every forehead after only a couple of laps. Coach Ukai seemed just as exhausted, leaving Daichi to direct everyone. It was slow and painful to move around, everything feeling heavy. The rush of air when the gym door opened was much welcome, along with the girl opening it. (Y/n) quietly let herself in, waving to Ukai as she walked towards him. Her eyes scanned the court and stopped at me; she smiled but didn't try to get my attention, continuing to her uncle. I regained my focus but it was a struggle not to look at (y/n) as she talked with Ukai. It surprised me that the boys didn't surround her as soon as she walked in, but I chalked it up to everyone being lethargic from the heat.

As we finished up practice I snuck a glance her way and caught her crying, angrily wiping tears away from her eyes as Ukai seemingly talked her down. I whipped my head away, knowing she would be embarrassed if anyone else noticed. I made sure no one noticed her, insisting we all take the long way to the locker room.

By the time we all changed and returned to the gym, (y/n) had thankfully stopped crying but it was clear she wasn't in any sort of good mood. She leaned against the bleachers, quietly talking to Ukai as all of us gathered around.

"Hey, (y/n)! Were you here the whole time?" Hinata yelled, jumping up to her. She gave him a forced smile, only nodding in response. Everyone wanted to talk to her but they quickly realized she wasn't her usual self and quieted down, prompting Coach Ukai to address us.

"Alright guys," he began. "Summer vacation is about one month away, which means training camp is that much sooner. I want everyone to get their permissions slips signed now instead of the day before, understand? If your parents have any questions they can call Takeda- his number's on the bottom of the sheet." The gym was quiet save for the rustling of paper; Daichi nudged into me as he passed me the sheet, but his eyes stayed focused as if nothing happened.

"Everybody have one?" Coach Ukai asked. "Alright, get outta here. No morning practice tomorrow." Everybody shouted and hollered at the relieving news, running out of the gym into the summer air, leaving only me, Daichi, and Asahi, along with (y/n) and Ukai after a few moments. She looked up at him, defiance burning behind her stare.

"You're wrong," she said, her voice angry, a tone I'd never heard before. "You think you know what's best for me but you don't. Stop trying-"

"No, you stop, (y/n). You're not talking to me like this in front of my team. We can finish this-"

"Oh, screw your team," she spat, her eyebrows knitting together. "Screw you, too. I don't care if you tell my dad anymore- just, just fuck off. Stay away from me." She shoots him daggers before she turns on her heel and stomps out of the gym the wrong way. We all exchange wide-eyed glances, Coach Ukai groaning as he walked away, leaving us alone. I'm torn between giving her space and running after her- after a few moments of silence I decide it's best to go look for her.

"I'm gonna go find her," I said, jogging towards the door she left out of, knowing she was most likely wandering throughout the school completely lost. I waved goodbye to my friends, both of them waving back with sympathetic looks on their faces.

I called her and heard her phone ringing distantly, despite the fact that she didn't answer my call. I called again and ran after the sound, finally spotting her at the end of a long hallway.

"(Y/n)!" I called. She didn't even turn around, continuing to stalk forward with no clue of where she was going. "(Y/n)! (Y/n), wait up!"

She finally stopped but didn't turn to face me, her head tucked in as I finally caught up to her. She tried to turn her face away from me as I stood in front of her, but I clearly saw her lower lip trembling and the tears welling in her eyes. I felt guilty thinking she looked cute when she was about to cry.

"Hey," I said, my voice higher-pitched than I expected. "Hey, (y/n), i- it's just me." She finally looked me in the eyes and broke down; she flopped into my arms, quietly sobbing into my shoulder. It was awkward to hold her in the middle of the hallway even though it was empty and I desperately tried to come up with a reason to at least go sit in the car.

I held her a few moments longer, rubbing my hands up and down her back as she continued to cry. I finally peeled her off me, smiling even though I knew she wouldn't be returning it.

"Let's get out of here, okay?" I said, my voice still clearly frazzled but softer than before. "You can tell me everything in the car." She nodded and began to walk forward, stopping after a couple of steps. I chuckled, reaching for her hand and leading us toward the parking lot, not needing any words. Once we sat in the car she slumped against me, eventually just laying across my lap, her feet hanging out the open windows. I placed a timid hand on her forehead, tucking any loose strands of hair behind her ear while she closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she finally mumbled. "I didn't mean to make things awkward. He just really pissed me off and I was tired of pretending to agree with him."

I hummed in response, letting her explain at her own pace. The sun set, a soft golden hue spreading across the sky. The muted light filled the car, tear stains visible on her cheeks still. The silence lasted a little longer, until she finally sat up, resting her head against the steering wheel quietly.

"Can you come over tonight? Like, stay over. I'll bring you to school tomorrow." I blushed furiously at her request, turning away. I simply pulled out my phone in response, calling my mom with sweat-drenched, shaking hands.

"Hey, honey," she greeted me. "Everything okay?"

"Hi mom," I said, my voice loud because I was nervous. "C-could I s-stay over (y/n)'s tonight? She said she'd bring me to school in the morning and I have an extra set of clothes here at school..."

An overwhelming quiet settled on the phone line, my heart pounding the only sound I could hear. After what seemed like ages, she finally let out a half-laugh half-sigh; (Y/n) stared at me with a gaze almost as terrified as my own.

"I was waiting for this," my mom finally sighed. "You're eighteen years old, Koushi. As much as I wish you were, you're not a baby anymore. Just... don't do anything stupid, okay? I'm not ready to be a Nana yet."

"Mom!" I yelled over her laughing. My face was so hot that I wondered if you could possibly get a sunburn from the inside out. She finally calmed down, sighing for the millionth time.

"Thank you, mom." I finally said, genuine. She giggled and we quickly said goodbye; I ended the call and turned to (y/n) who was smiling at me, looking relieved.

"I really didn't think she'd say yes," she admitted. "I just really don't wanna be without you right now."

I leaned across the console and kissed her on the lips; it was a warm and soft kiss, both of us practically sighing with relief into each other. I pulled away, running a hand through my hair before getting out of the car.

"I'm just gonna get some extra clothes from my locker, okay?" I said through the open window, jogging into the school to the locker room. My mind raced even faster than my legs, every thought saturated with (y/n); going to her house, waking up next to her, and all the in betweens I couldn't wait for.

-

Even once we got to (y/n)'s apartment I still felt anxiety in the pit of my chest, stinging as I dropped my backpack on the floor of her bedroom. We settled in the living room, blasting the air conditioner and lounging on the couch. I had been desperate to be so indefinitely alone with her and now that the moment was in front of me, my entire body was ceased with fear. We sat on opposite ends of the couch, at least a full yard between us as we remained in silence save for the air conditioner. I kept sneaking glances at her but she was engulfed in her phone, not seeming to notice me. I wondered if she was distracting herself because she was as nervous as I was.

"Sorry," she huffed, tossing her phone on the carpet. "I don't wanna talk about what happened with Keishin. I just wanna be with you." She scooted across the couch, wrapping her arms around my middle and resting her head on my chest. I held her around the waist, trying to calm myself down so she wouldn't notice my heart pounding. Unfortunately the concerned expression on her face as she pressed her ear against my chest said I'd been caught.

"Are you nervous? Your heart sounds like you just ran a marathon," she said, looking up at me with worried eyes. "What's wrong?"

I felt my face turning red hot for the seemingly millionth time since I'd met (y/n) and it surprised me that I hadn't gotten used to it at this point. I closed my eyes, clearing my head as much as I possibly could before I spoke.

"Yeah," I finally breathed. "I just- I'm nervous to be alone with you like this. I don't know why, I- I just... I don't know. I get nervous around you a lot."

She looked hurt, pouting her lips and pulling away from me a bit.

"I'm your girlfriend. Why don't you wanna be alone with me, Koushi?"

"Oh my god, that's not it!" I exclaimed, my voice unconsciously getting louder as I became even more anxious. "It's the exact opposite! I really want to be alone with you and I'm just scared to mess it up!"

We both stared at each other, faces blushing as we stayed silent. A smile quirked on her lips though, loud, awkward laughter pouring out seconds later. I smiled back, mildly confused.

"Sorry," she sighed. "I didn't mean to get all defensive like that. I'm nervous too and I just... I just wanna be perfect around you and I know I'm not because I end up crying like, every other time we hang out..."

"You're perfect to me," I said, cutting off her laughter. She stared at me with wide eyes but I didn't really care for once, bravely reaching out for her hand and twining our fingers together. "I don't care if you cry, or get mad and yell, or anything. I know we just started dating but I really like you, (y/n)." I stopped myself there, afraid to let anything else slip out. She squeezed my hand in hers, continuing to lean forward, pressing her lips against mine.

I knew we both had things to do besides this but neither of us showed any signs of stopping- it was the opposite. She climbed over me, straddling my lap and pressing herself against me before kissing me again, both of us needy and desperate for the other's touch. I ran one hand through her hair, the other finding it's way to the hemline of her shirt, touching the bare skin beneath. Her lips moved away from mine, trailing down my jawline and neck; her kisses were light and airy, barely touching my hot skin. She pulled back and looked at me, hesitation in her eyes.

"I'm scared." she said, her voice barely audible.

"Me too." I replied, every nerve on my body screaming as I decided to take off my shirt first, the now-cool air sending a chill down my bare spine. (Y/n) looked me up and down and I found myself doing the same to her. Her legs mostly bare in a pair of shorts, and the way I could see her chest slightly fall up and down with her breath drove me crazy and my hands were clumsily pulling off her shirt before I knew what was happening. She pushed me down on the couch, still straddling me as she leaned down to continue where she'd left off. I could hardly breathe as I felt her open mouth trailing down my collarbones to my chest, her teeth gently scraping against my skin.

"(Y/n)," I panted, noticing small red hickeys on my skin as I glanced down. She pulled away and god, she looked so sexy in that moment, like I'd never seen her before; pushing her hair away from her face, bare skin exposed just for me, lips flushed and eyes burning. A million different words threatened to tumble from my lips, but I decided to not ruin the moment by going off on a tangent. I awkwardly shifted placed with her so I now hovered over her; she was vulnerable beneath me, every inch of her mine.

"Koushi..."

"(Y/n)- senpai..." My lips quirked up before I could even finish talking, breaking into laughter while she gave me an annoyed face. I leaned down, smiling so big into the kiss that our teeth accidentally knocked against each other- I didn't care though, continuing to move my lips against hers until they were numb.


	10. 10

A/N: this chapter contains nsfw material !

(Y/n) and I took a break from each other, now fully clothed and eating take-out across from each other at her little kitchen table. We were quiet, the hum of the A/C filling the silence while we ate. These little moments alone with her made me fantasize about life together; I wanted more nights like this, more of the feeling that her and I were real.

"This is nice," she said quietly between slurps of noodles, a small smile on her lips. She kept her eyes down, continuing to eat. I nodded at her and did the same, my heart betraying me, fluttering in my chest at her comment. I didn't know why little things like that drove me so crazy but I couldn't help the butterflies rising up every time she did. She had me completely wrapped around her finger without even trying and I was perfectly content there.

We finished eating and stayed sat at the table; she gazed at me, her chin in her hand, lips forming a small upwards curve. She let out a little giggle while I stared at her, clearly confused.

"Sorry," she laughed, cheeks flushing. "You're like- you're really cute. Not in the baby cute way, like in the boy cute way. You're just-"

She let out a strangled groan, stumbling over her words. She was so adorable flustered, especially since it always seemed like I was the one acting completely lovesick. She huffed, putting her head down on the table.

"I know I've said it a lot already but I've just never been this happy. I never imagined I'd find someone like you... I sound like such a dork. I'll stop talking." She laughed, standing up from the table, trotting over the couch. I followed behind quietly, letting my arm fall around her where we sat. She clicked on the television and flipped through the channels, her eyes looking disinterested.

Suddenly she tossed the remote across the couch and turned into me, her lips catching mine in an awkward, needy movement. She climbed on top of me and before I knew it we were right back where we left off, her hands tangled in my hair, mine testing any boundaries there might be as they slid over her body. Only a couple of minutes passed before she peeled her shirt off, followed by my own. I reached hesitantly at the clasp of her bra, fumbling with it for a moment before it unhooked. I forced myself to kiss her as I tossed the bra onto the ground; I knew I'd end up staring if I didn't, but the way she pushed herself against my body drove me just as mad. She let her fingers slide down to the waistband of my pants, ghosting over my crotch before tugging them down. I sat up and let her pull them off of me, feeling incredibly awkward and nervous as she leaned in for another kiss, one of her hands palming me gently through my underwear. It was hard to kiss her back, to focus on her, to even breathe as she continued; she stopped and pulled away, standing up from the couch.

"Let's go into my room," she said, her voice thick. She took my hand, smiling as we walked into her bedroom. She shut the door behind us and despite being alone in the apartment it felt like we'd gone into our own world now. She shimmied out of her pants, pulling me onto the bed with her. We sat for a long moment, my pulse deafening in my ears. Her eyes were clear as we stared at each other, her lips perfectly swollen from kissing, the majority of her body bared for me. I ached to reach out, to get a taste of what I'd been dreaming of for so damn long but I was frozen where I sat, every limb completely paralyzed.

"I'm nervous too," she spoke, a small smile on her lips. She timidly crawled across to where I sat, pushing me into the soft blankets haphazardly spread across the mattress. She placed a soft, feathery kiss on my lips, hovering over me. I built up the courage to look her over and I was right- my eyes stuck to her last glue, taking in every last curve and angle before she chuckled and began to kiss me again. My hands grazed over her skin, barely touching her until she pushed her body against mine, every nerve of mine seeming to ignite against hers.

A new found courage inside me, I let my hands wander and touch, indulging in her body as she did the same to me. I liked how soft gasps fell from her lips when I discovered the right spots, and how she gently sunk her teeth into my shoulder as she rocked herself into my palm.

I knew I wouldn't last long as she returned the favor at the same time, both of us breathing heavily in the humid room. I slipped my fingers beneath the thin fabric of her underwear, her shallow gasps turning into breathy moans. She pulled down my underwear in turn and only a few moments passed before I was a gasping mess, completely turned on especially as she bit into my shoulder, her moans sounding like a song just for me in my ear. I choked out her name just before finishing, embarrassment replacing arousal as I came back to reality.

She reached over to her nightstand, plucking a tissue out and gently cleaning us up. She threw it into the little garbage can next to her bed, then turned to look at me. My face felt hot as she placed her palm against my cheek, closing her eyes as she gave me one more open-mouth kiss before plopping down on the bed.

"You didn't finish..." I spoke, my voice dryer than I thought. "Do you want me to...?"

"No," she replied, patting the empty space beside her. I crawled over and laid on my side next to her, even though she was flat on her back. "I'm kind of tired now. And thirsty."

It felt unfair that I finished and she didn't but she didn't seem to mind, her eyes closed and her breathing quiet now. I stood up, sort of desperate to put on at least my sweatpants before walking into the kitchen and getting us each a glass of water. I stood at the small counter for a little while, my mind still trying to grasp the previous twenty minutes. Am I different now? Am I changed? Is it going to be completely obvious on my face for everyone to see? I felt insecure, my thoughts racing until I felt a pair of arms wrap around my bare stomach, (y/n)'s head resting against me.

"Hey," she murmured against my hot skin, her voice soft and comforting. I wondered if this is what she meant, just being happy to have each other in the vicinity; I felt at ease with her next to me. I handed her the glass of water, the condensation cool against my fingers as I took a sip of mine. I noticed she'd put on a different pair of underwear along with one of my t-shirts. She did a little twirl in front of me, pulling at the edges of the shirt.

"I always wanted to wear a boyfriend's clothes before," she laughed. "This is mine now." I nodded, briefly indulging the thought of her lounging around in my clothes even when I wasn't around. I couldn't help the grin on my face as we stood in the kitchen half naked, my body feeling heavy and weightless at the same time somehow. It was late now, the clock hanging on the kitchen wall reading almost midnight. (Y/n) stepped into the living room and clicked the TV off, shutting off the lights and locking the front door.

"You have school tomorrow," she mumbled, grabbing her glass of water as we walked into her bedroom. She left the door wide open this time, welcoming the air conditioning as she turned on a fan as well, falling on top of the blankets on her huge bed. This was another thing that made her seem older to me- I still slept in the same twin sized bed I had my whole life. Anything bigger seemed like another right of passage. I flicked the light switch off before plopping on the bed in the space next to her.

"Make sure you set an alarm," she said, patting around the bed for her phone. "I'll set one too. I don't want you to be late or else you'll never be allowed to stay over again." I chuckled as I turned my alarm on and tossed my phone on the ground next to the bed, reaching over to tug (y/n) closer to me. She let out an awkward snort as I did, both of us facing each other. It felt right to kiss her goodnight, both of our breaths becoming even and slow, arms slumped across each other as we fell asleep together.

-

The morning was rushed and full of panic, both of us hitting snooze on our alarms too many times.

"Get your uniform on!" She shouted, half awake as she threw my backpack at me. I woke up with a start, putting on my clothes as fast as possible while (y/n) wiggled into the closest pair of jeans, not bothering to change out of my shirt. I stumbled into the bathroom, brushing my teeth as quick as possible (her toothpaste was weird) before slipping on my shoes and rushing out the door behind her. We jumped in her car, only seven minutes remaining until I'd be late, when I knew it took at least ten to get to the school.

"We're gonna be late," I groaned, my voice thick with sleep still. She gunned the car down the street, a small, sleepy smirk on her face.

"Not if I have anything to do about it," she said, flying down the road. I clung to the seat, fearing for my life as we reached the school with three minutes to spare.

"Go, go, go!" She said, practically pushing me out of the car. "Wait!" She pulled me back in by my tie, straightening it out, tucking a couple loose pieces of hair behind my ear, then wiping of the corner of my mouth with her thumb. She let me pull away, as if she were admiring her work.

"You look like you slept at your girlfriend's place last night," she laughed, self consciousness flooding me. "Be proud of it! Or at least pretend to be." I kissed her goodbye and ran into the school, extremely self aware as I walked into the classroom, feeling every pair of eyes on me. Daichi gave me a concerned look, but there was no time for him to question me as the bell sounded the beginning of the day. I felt relieved as lessons began, hoping everyone would forget about my entrance by lunch. I tried to focus on my teacher but (y/n) invaded my every thought, especially the image of her spinning around in nothing but my t-shirt and her panties. The day went by slowly, lunch break feeling like a godsend by the time it came around.

"Suga," Daichi poked me in the back. "You look like hell. What happened?"

"Well," I chuckled, nervously scratching the back of my neck. "I actually spent the night at (y/n)'s and we slept through the alarm..."

His face flushed bright red, spreading down his neck. His eyes were wide as they avoided mine, darting to the open window. I'd always imagined us growing up and getting girlfriends, clamoring to share every detail- I wanted us to have that. But ever since (y/n) came into our lives it felt like things had shifted ever so slightly, like moving every piece of furniture just a couple centimeters to the left. There was a change, but I couldn't quite place it and it had slowly begun to itch away at me.

"That's cool," he squeaked. He continued to avoid my eyes, his ears still pink as he changed the subject to volleyball. I let his behavior slide without question for the hundredth time, the thought of it slipping away as quickly as it came. Deep down it remained though, a strange and gnawing notion in the back of mind.


	11. 11

(A/N): this chapter contains nsfw material !

Time passed quickly, summer days long and nights still longer as weeks on the calendar had suddenly passed. Summer vacation arrived before I knew it, over a month with nothing to worry about besides (y/n). We spent nearly every day and night together, the only interruption volleyball practice. It felt strange to think of volleyball as an interruption when it had been just the opposite but when I was with (y/n), everything that wasn't her felt like a bit of a chore.

She picked me up from practice usually; she was often sprawled across the seats when I found her, lazily scrolling through her phone with her feet dangling out the window. I liked seeing her in the summer heat, her legs exposed on a daily basis, her cheeks always flushed from the heat, her skin slowly growing shades darker from the sun. I wondered if she was just as captivating in the winter- the idea passed quickly because I knew she would be.

I was walking out of the gym with Asahi, shortly after vacation had begun. (Y/n) was waiting, music loudly playing from the car as we approached. Her lips were pressed in a tight pout as she scrolled through her phone, not noticing us even when we were right in front of her.

"Hey, (y/n)- senpai," I yelled over the music, plucking her flip flop off one of her feet. She glared up at me, her expression angry as she sat up in the driver's seat.

"Don't call me that," she mumbled, taking her shoe back. She slipped it back on and returned her attention back to us, her eyes turning to Asahi.

"Do you want a ride home, Asahi?" She asked. I could tell she was trying to be nice but she practically spat out the question, her voice laced with annoyance. He profusely refused, his face crimson as he joined Noya and walked home despite living across the street from (y/n). I silently sat in the passenger seat, reaching for the volume before I even tossed my bag in the back seat. She glared at me, maintaining eye contact as she proceeded to turn the dial even louder than it was to start with.

"What the hell?" I shouted, turning the volume down again. She shouldered me as she turned it back up, her eyes wide with anger as we fought over the volume. She remained silent and I had no idea what to do; I'd never seen her act like such a brat before. I finally gave up and let her have her way, the music threatening to deafen me as she drove us to her apartment.

Both of us stayed silent; even as we walked inside she shuffled into the living room, sitting on the couch with a grumpy expression. I tossed my bag in the kitchen and walked past her into the bedroom to change. I kept a drawer of my clothes in her bureau now since I was over so often, but I wished I was home more than anything else right now. Once I changed I sat next to her on the couch quietly, knowing she had a reason for her behavior even though it annoyed the hell out of me. I shifted my body so I was facing her, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"What's wrong?" I treaded, my voice as gentle as I could manage. She looked at me through the corner of her eye, her gaze unreadable.

"I don't wanna talk about it," she grumbled. I had to restrain myself from rolling my eyes, desperate to try and smile instead.

"Baby," I cooed, knowing she liked when I gave her pet names. "You can't just stay mad and not tell me why at least. C'mon, what happened?"

She groaned, dramatically flinging herself in my lap. I couldn't stifle the chuckle before it left my lips, her cheeks completely red as she began to open up.

"My manager," she sighed, clearly displeased. "Thinks I need to travel more so that editors from magazines and stuff see me as someone with a diverse background. She wants me to go on a speaking tour for like, over three months." The thought stops my heart for a beat, my body numb.

"I'm not gonna do it!" she continues, waving her hands as she sees my reaction. "I'm too happy here to leave for so long. And I couldn't leave you for even a fraction of that time."

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding, my heart returning to normal. She avoided my eyes now, her expression becoming cloudy.

"But," she said, her voice cracking. "I couldn't completely shut her down or else I'd lose my job. So, tomorrow I'm leaving for two weeks on this crazy, whirlwind sort of thing. I'm going to be speaking at like, over forty different schools across the United States..."

Almost half of summer break she would be gone. I was ecstatic for her despite my sinking heart, knowing this was the kind of opportunity that would really change things for her.

"That's incredible, (y/n)," I said, my tone completely betraying my words.

"No its not," she whined. "I don't wanna leave you for that long, Koushi. It's gonna suck and you know it." She sat up from my lap, looking at me seriously. She wanted me to beg her to stay but I couldn't; I knew this was bigger than me and exponentially more important.

"It's gonna suck but you can't not go, (y/n). I'll be here waiting for you the second you come home, plus- two weeks is better than three months." She pouted at me, clearly disappointed in my answer.

"I don't wanna go," she said, her voice raising in pitch. She tucked her head in and I knew she was trying not to cry; I was upset too, especially that she was leaving on such short notice.

"I know," I hummed, trying to stay calm. It was funny how attached we were, every moment apart feeling like a death sentence. She dropped her head to my shoulder, her expression twisted as she willed the tears in her eyes not to fall. I slipped my arm around her and kissed her forehead, unable to find the right words.

"What do you wanna do?" I ventured.

"Die."

I elbowed her, frowning where she leaned against me.

"Don't say things like that," I scolded.

"Sorry, mom," she smirked, snuggling in closer to me. Her skin was warm against mine despite the air conditioning; her arms were bare in a thin tank top, her black bra almost fully visible through the fabric. I couldn't deny that I wanted her- especially with her leaving in mere hours. I hesitantly leaned in, touching my lips to hers gently. She returned the kiss, our motions soft but sure.

"We should do it," she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Do what?" I asked- I knew exactly what but I was far too nervous to say it, my hands immediately sweating where they sat in my lap.

"Let's have sex," her voice is clear now, despite her flushed cheeks. "I'm gonna be gone for a long time and I don't even know why we've waited this long anyways. It's not your first time, is it?"

I began to stumble over my words, my entire face burning as embarrassment washed over me. Her words confirmed what I already figured: she wasn't a virgin and as much as I hated it, someone else had already had sex with her before I would.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry," she rushed through her words, placing a hand on my thigh. "I just assumed you'd already... I'm sorry."

"It's okay!" I tried to recover the mood, placing a band awkwardly on her waist. "I've never done it b-but, I want to..." I trailed off, terrified to look her in the eyes. When I finally managed to glance up I knew none of my anxieties really mattered. (Y/n) was here, next to me and not someone else. She was mine and I was hers and that's what everything boiled down to. I pulled her into my lap as I roughly crashed my lips against hers in an awkward movement, eliciting an equally as awkward laugh from her. She wrapped her arms around my neck, smiling into the kiss as she pressed her body against mine. I was desperate to get her to the bedroom, every nerve of mine aching for her as our kisses became desperate and messy.

I hoisted her up and carried her to the bedroom as she wrapped her legs around my waist, our bodies too close for me not to get excited. I dropped her onto the bed (movies make look carrying another person a lot easier than it is in reality), crawling over her as she smiled up at me. I lavished her body with kisses, making quick work of her clothes before she was naked beneath me. She pulled off my clothes in the same way, both of us completely vulnerable now. I held my breath as we stared at each other for a long moment; delicious and enticing, her skin exposed for me, the rise and fall of her chest a detail only I had the privilege to take note of. I was reminded of the first time we shared this bed all those months ago, how she was so embarrassed she kicked me out and cried.

"I love you," I said as I let out the breath. It felt cliché and I didn't care because the clichés are exactly as perfect as they seem and I was finally living the love story I didn't know I'd wanted my entire life. (Y/n) was the Missing Piece, the I Didn't Know Until I Found You, the Everything, the One, the Forever. I knew as she repeated the words I'd just spoken into my mouth that she was my beginning and my ending and every second in between and that nothing else could ever possibly be as good.

"I love you," she repeated as she pulled me closer, our lips meeting in a feverish kiss. She wrapped her legs around me and my hips gently rocked into hers. I was desperate to get on with it, to live the fantasy I imagined before I went to bed at night and she wasn't beside me. She wiggled out from under me, crossing the room to her dresser and pulling out a foil wrapper from the drawer. She walked back to me, laying me down onto a pillow and crawling on top of me. She tore open the packet, plucking the condom out and reaching for my member.

"I can do it!" I stammered, trying to grab it from her. She held it away from me, an embarrassed smirk on her lips.

"I want to," she mumbled. Both of us blushed; I tried to look away but I couldn't help staring as she rolled the condom over me, the feeling strange and uncomfortable. I'd seen her pop the tiny birth control pill in her mouth every night but I was secretly relieved that she got the condom, my nerves getting the best of me as every fear filled my head.

"Okay," she breathed, laying on her back next me. I crawled on top of her, gently fingering her as I worked up the courage to have actual, real sex. I knew she was ready and her quiet sighs told me to get on with it. I pulled my hand away, smirking as I licked one of my fingers.

"Oh my god!" she groaned, covering her face with her hands.

"What?" I chuckled, sucking on my other finger. She squirmed beneath me, her cheeks bright red.

"You naughty boy," she laughed, still mortified. I couldn't help but laugh along, some of the nervousness dissipating. She pulled me down to kiss her, both of us giggling as our hands glided over each other's skin. I finally positioned myself in front of her after a few moments, slowly pushing in. A low moan slipped out as I thrusted forward, the feeling unlike anything else. She clutched onto me, her legs tight around my waist as I slowly repeated the motion, in and out, in and out. I willed myself not to finish in less than thirty seconds, my movements painfully slow. She let out little gasps every time I thrust in, her head tucked into my shoulder.

"Koushi, you're killing me," she groaned, looking up at me with desperation. "Just relax and go please,"

I apologized, pulling out and taking a deep breath before pushing back inside of her. Our bodies picked up a quick, awkward sort of rhythm after a couple of moments. I tried to record the sound of her quiet moans in my head for later, every whimper and whine driving me closer and closer. I could hardly stay quiet myself, my breaths becoming more whiney and desperate with every thrust.

"Fuck, Koushi," she gasped, her nails digging into my back as I went deeper. I was going to come any second, the pit of my stomach in a knot as my movements became even more awkward, becoming unwound.

"(Y/n)," I groaned, falling onto my elbows as I finished. I reached down and rubbed at her clit; she moaned loudly, trying to push my hands away. I pinned them above her head, rubbing at her as I rode out the last waves of my orgasm. She let out a long whine as she came too, squirming beneath me as I slowly pulled out.

We laid next to each other silently, our breath the only sound. Sex wasn't fireworks and confetti like I'd imagined; it was awkward and nerve-wracking and sort of lackluster. I couldn't understand why the First Time was so glorified as this beautifully life-altering moment when in reality I was tired as well as disinterested in doing it again. I knew that it would get better but all I could do was slump my arm around (y/n), happy that her back was facing me so I wouldn't have to make any eye contact.

"I love you," she whispered, her voice genuine.

"I love you, too," I sighed, nuzzling into her hair. I felt so self conscious and shy, anxious to sleep away everything. I wished we'd spent our last night together before she left just watching TV or something else but I drifted off to sleep before my thoughts could eat me alive, her soft, slow breaths the last sound I heard.


	12. 12

We sleep in until almost ten; I don't care about missing practice this time, despite the multiple texts that buzz and threaten to wake us up from our fragile little reality. I hug her close and as she begins to wake up I realize these are the last few hours I have with her. She's not leaving forever but it feels like it, the pit of my stomach twisted as she nuzzles into me.

"What time is your flight?" I ask, my voice still thick with sleep.

"Not until four. I have to leave by two-thirty though since Keishin is dropping me off at the airport," she huffs, rolling her eyes. "I should shower and pack and stuff actually." She sits up, completely naked except for one of my t-shirts. I trail my fingers down her thigh, her skin warm and soft. I'm tempted to pull her back into bed but I let her go; she stands in the doorway, looking at me where I lay.

"Aren't you coming?" She asks, pulling my shirt down a little. I follow her quietly into the shower even though the idea of it seems awkward and a little claustrophobic. She turns the water on and sits on the closed toilet seat as the mirror fogs up. She pokes my bare stomach, staring up at me through her eyelashes.

"Don't look so sad," she says. "Let's think of something special to do when I get back. That way there's something to look forward to."

She peels off her shirt, testing the water with her fingers before stepping in the shower, pulling me gently by the hand with her. It's a big shower with a glass door, the shampoos and soaps neatly placed on a rack climbing the wall. She closes her eyes as the water washes over her; there's enough room for both of us to comfortably stand underneath the water so I wet my hair, afraid to close my eyes in the case that she's just some sort of fantasy.

"What if we dress up and go to a fancy dinner? Or we can drive to the beach, or go to an amusement park," she squirts a sweet smelling shampoo in the palm of her hand, lathering it up in her hair. My hands move on their own accord, washing her hair gently, careful not to get any in her eyes. She smiles with her eyes closed and I wish I could have taken a picture of her in that moment- shampoo in her hair, no makeup, no anything, just (y/n) with her lips curled up and her eyelashes resting on her cheeks. I rinse out the shampoo, her hair soft between my fingers. She hands me the bottle and I wondered if it was strange to want to smell like her (or to want my hair as soft as hers).

"Hey," she says. "Did you hear me? What do you wanna do when I get back?"

"Hm?" I rinse out the shampoo and look at her as she scrubs her body with a multicolored bar of soap, the smell warm and coconut-y. "You're probably gonna be really tired when you get back, you know. Why don't we just wait 'til you're back to decide?"

"That's probably true," she chuckles, rinsing herself off. She grabs a bottle of conditioner that matches the shampoo and repeats the process for me, giggling as she runs her fingers through my hair. "Your hair is so pretty."

"So is yours," I laugh, hoping the water would hide my blushing face. We finish up and my first time sharing a shower with someone was less humiliating than I thought it would be. I'd felt low since last night, like my every move was unnatural and awkward, but I began to regain my usual sense of self as we stepped out of the shower. She tossed a towel to me and I thought it was funny how she flipped her hair over, wrapping it up in a towel. She covered herself and smiled at me when she realized I was staring, coming close as I fumbled to cover myself.

"We've got a few hours," she whispered, her voice soft as her hands fell to my shoulders. "Seriously, at least pretend to cheer up. I don't wanna remember you being miserable for the next two weeks."

She squeezes my shoulders in an almost mom-like manner, pulling me along with her back to the bedroom. She opens up her closet; by the time I'm finished getting dressed she's still filing through each piece of clothing, looking cold as she stands in just a towel.

"I don't know what to wear," she whines, pouting at me.

"Wear a dress," I smile, plopping onto the edge of the unmade bed. The sheets are cool beneath my fingertips. "I've never seen you in a dress before."

She avoids my gaze with the most subtle smile on her lips, her cheeks blushing. The image of her twirling around in a dress pops into my head and I'm suddenly desperate for it to be real.

"Go in the other room," she says.

I quietly leave and shut the door behind me, a flutter of excitement in my stomach. I find myself in the living room, staring at the blank walls. I remember when she came over my house after we kissed for the first time, and how she wished her apartment felt more like a home. I wanted to make this place home for her; to make memories worth hanging up on the walls. The bedroom door opening pulled me from my thoughts.

She stepped out and gave me a face that said What do you think? I looked her up and down- a little black dress that fell just above her knees, spaghetti straps showing off her shoulders that had bronzed in the sun. She looked comfy in it and I had the urge to pick her up and spin her around like in the movies. She stepped over to me, her footsteps quiet.

"Well?" She looked at me expectantly, her hands resting on my biceps, rubbing little circles on my skin.

"You look good," is all I can manage. I let my hands fall on her waist, the fabric of her dress cool beneath my skin. She gently kissed me and I pulled her closer before she stepped away, my heart aching to be near her.

"I have to pack," she gasped once I finally let her go. She floated into her bedroom, the motion of her dress enticing. I followed behind, sitting on the floor next to an open suitcase while she plucked garments from her drawers, a pile building up next to me. I began to fold them into piles neatly, careful to avoid any underwear.

"Oh," she said, turning around. "You didn't have to do that."

"It's okay," I answered. "I feel like a freeloader if I just sit around."

She lets out her strange laugh, plopping down next to me and packing the open suitcase with the piles of clothes. She messily tucked all of her underwear and bras into the zip open pocket; I wondered if she would have done the same with everything else if I hadn't folded it all. I remembered our first date when she pulled an old wrinkled shirt from the backseat of her car and had my answer.

"(Y/n)," I spoke, my voice seeming loud in the apartment. The air conditioner was on low today, the heat outside taking a break.

"Yeah Koushi?" She looked up at me, her gaze focused. Even though it frightened me sometimes, I loved the way she gave you all her attention, like you were the only person in the universe.

"I love you," I said, my voice just enough to be audible. She continued to stare at me, her eyes wide and cheeks flushed. It felt different to say it to her in the daylight, fully clothed as opposed to in the heat and passion from the night before. She finally smiled at me, her gaze softening.

"I love you." Her voice is smooth and warm like honey and her eyes pierce through me despite their gentleness. She began to pack again, gathering clothes from her closet and throwing them on the ground in another pile. I quietly begin to fold them, a calmness settling between us that I wanted to hold onto forever.

-

The first week goes by agonizingly slow, our only communication through fuzzy, broken Snapchat calls over hotel wifi. I noticed her calling out to people unseen by the camera in English; I'd usually respond in English too, which always made her laugh. I hated the time difference, and how our schedules never seemed to meet up. The only thing keeping my head up was the volleyball camp coming up. I'd already broken it to (y/n) that I'd be away for a few days still once she got home.

I was packing the night before the camp, Daichi laying across my bed, flipping through an old Spiderman comic book.

"I can't believe you waited to pack until the last minute," he laughed.

"Tomorrow morning would be the last minute," I returned, chuckling. "I'm ahead of schedule the way I see it."

He turned on his side, smiling at me where I sat folding and packing. Daichi had been around a lot since (y/n) left; it was nice to see someone else besides her outside of practices and school.

"Do you want any help?" He asked. I felt odd as I took note of how deep his voice was compared to (y/n)'s. Why would I notice something like his voice? I ignored the thought, standing up and stretching out.

"Nah, I just need to pack deodorant and my toothbrush, stuff like that. I'll save it for the morning." I sat on the edge of my bed next to where he laid down; he gazed up at me, his eyes intense.

"It's hot in here," he mumbled, turning away. He propped himself up on his elbow, leaning across my nightstand to push open the window. It was late, my old alarm clock flashing 11:11.

"Make a wish," I spoke, smiling. I closed my eyes as I wished for time to go by quickly while (y/n) was gone. I opened them to see Daichi looking straight at me.

"What did you wish for?" I asked.

"I can't tell you," he said, turning his gaze downward. "Or else it won't come true."

I laughed, standing up to get the air mattress from the closet. He stayed behind, laying across my bed, his expression distant now. Once I dragged it back in, he helped me plug in the pump, shutting the door so the noise wouldn't wake up my parents. It always felt easy to be with Daichi but there was a tension now as he seemingly refused to meet my eyes, the silence suffocating.

Once the mattress was blown up I expected us to take our usual places when he slept over; him on the bed and me on the mattress. But instead he sat cross-legged next to me on the mattress, flipping through the comic book again.

"We used to love these," he said, his voice softer than usual. "We'd collect all the books and beg our parents to buy us the toys."

"You even had a birthday party once, that was all Spiderman," I laughed. "You were Spiderman for like, eight Halloweens in a row."

We laughed together, reminiscing on everything we did together as kids. It felt natural and easy again, like everything was in its place. We laid on our sides, speaking in hushed whispers until we fell asleep next to each other.


	13. 13

Training camp turned out to be an uphill battle, our team losing every single match each day. The sun was blazing, every drill a superhuman effort, especially after seemingly thousands of times. As unbearable as the days were, the nights were long and wonderful. The team spent hours together, our chaotic little family feeling closer than ever before. Hushed voices and loud rants in the dark felt like home.

The last night of camp was bittersweet. (Y/n) was waiting for me at her apartment, her voice a distant echo that I longed to hear again. On the other hand these nights were some of the last I'd be spending with my team before I left for university. I pushed the thoughts deep in the back of my head- I didn't love the idea of it anymore, especially the leaving (y/n) part.

We all laid sprawled across infinite sleeping bags, conversations overlapping one another. Daichi and I laid on our stomachs next to each other, both of us quietly on our phones. I was texting (y/n) since she was home now; we couldn't wait to see each other since almost three weeks had passed. It was late and she was saying goodnight, promises of kisses and cuddles tomorrow. I put my phone down and turned to Daichi, his eyes flicking to my own immediately.

"Hey," he said, smiling. I suddenly became aware of our shoulders flush with each other, his face only a few inches from mine. I noticed his smile, and the way his lips stretched out at a different angle than (y/n)'s, and how I was somehow fascinated with both.

"Hey," I answered, my mind regaining focus. His skin had turned a deep bronze in the past week and I had to force myself to meet his eyes. His gaze was like honey, his eyes deep and golden. Confusion overwhelmed me as I noticed all of these things, details I was blind to before. And I knew he knew, because of the way he stared back, his expression mirroring mine.

"Can we talk?" He spoke, his voice so low only I could hear it. I barely noticed Asahi stepping over our bodies, his loud footsteps far away in my trance. I simply nodded, following behind him as we walked to an unknown destination.

We ended up outside in the humid night air. The heat stuck to my skin, nearly suffocating. Daichi's eyes bore into me, waiting to speak. I stared back, my heart racing; I knew what was happening. It felt wrong and right and everything in between but all I could hear was the buzz of cicadas and my pulse in my ears.

"Suga," he said, his voice clear. "I know you know what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it out loud anyways."

He took a deep breath and an image of (y/n) flashed in my head. A twinge of guilt in my chest gives me chills but I can't free myself from his gaze, as if I'm somehow chained to him in the moment.

"I love you, Suga. I know you have (y/n), and I know you're not going to say it back, but you're my best friend and I couldn't keep it from you anymore,"

He's a blushing mess and it's strange to see him in such disarray. I remained speechless, my hands balled into fists at my sides.

"Please," he squeaked, looking desperate after a beat of silence. "Please say something."

My body moved on its own. One step forward, my hands on his broad shoulders that were nothing like (y/n)'s. My lips crashing against his, and the way he pulls me forward by my t-shirt, our chests flush. His body is hardened and strong on mine, his skin warm beneath my fingertips. His hands are firm on my body, slipping beneath my shirt awkwardly. My hand pulls him somehow closer by his collar, guilt suddenly pushing me off of him as if it was a physical force.

"Fuck," I muttered. "No, no, no..." I stepped away, my entire body shaking. Every image I'd saved of (y/n) played like a movie in my head, her smiles and her tears that were only for me overwhelming.

"Fuck!" I screamed, kicking the doorway behind us. Tears welled in my eyes, my body no longer my own. I felt myself slipping away, any kind of control fading into nothingness. She played in my head over and over, and as I tried to convince myself I was in some kind of nightmare I felt Daichi's hand on my shoulder. He was stronger than me, kinder than me, more honest and a better person all around. I slapped his hand away, desperate to blame him when I knew it was my fault.

"Don't," I said, my voice rough, a strange sound in my thumping ears. "Don't touch me." I want to apologize, to go back in time and stop myself from noticing his eyes and his skin and his smile, to tell myself my eyes belong to her and not him. I don't look up at him but I feel the hurt in his gaze as he steps around me to the door, leaving me alone in the cruel summer heat. I fell to my knees, the world spinning as the cool concrete met my skin. I cursed again and again but I didn't wake up; the sensation on my lips and the wrinkle in my shirt where he'd pulled me close were all too real. I stayed there seemingly forever, my head between my knees and my eyes squeezed shut as I desperately clawed my way back to reality.

I finally managed to make my way back to the room where everyone slept, quiet snores the only sound. I laid down, squirming as far away from Daichi as I could without bumping into Asahi. I turned on my side to find him staring at me, his eyes wide.

"Sorry!" He whispered. His expression was guilty, and I knew that something was wrong. He turned away from me, his long hair the only thing I could see before I had the chance to reply. I fell asleep quickly despite the storm raging inside me, everything fading into nothingness.

I woke up from a short, dreamless sleep to Daichi nudging my shoulder, his body lingering over mine. I scooted away, careful not to make eye contact; he acted like nothing was wrong, like we weren't best friend who had kissed. I sat up and saw the rest of the team rising, sleepily shoving their belongings into backpacks, a soft quiet to match the daylight creeping through the window. I began to roll up my sleeping bag and the thought of (y/n)'s big bed popped into my head. It's riddled with guilt and confusion now, though, and I have to push my happiest memories away like nightmares. Once everyone is packed we say goodbye to all of the teams we trained with, boarding the bus for a long ride home. Daichi scoots in next to me and I feel sick, overly aware of his every movement. Our proximity scares me as I wait for him to break the silence between us. I wondered if it was obvious to our teammates, that something was off. I took a cautious glance and saw him looking down at his hands in his lap, his eyes far away. His expression was dark and deep, like when the power goes out before your eyes adjust.

We drive for miles without a word between us, avoiding each other's presence as if we depended on it. Eventually we pull into the school parking lot and I see (y/n)'s little car sitting there among everyone's parents', her legs dangling out the window.

"I'm sorry," Daichi whispers as he stands, leaving me in the seat. I gather my things and walk towards (y/n), her eyes searching for me among my teammates and their parents. I give a half-hearted wave to everyone before I meet her; when she sees me she practically falls out of the car, stumbling into my arms and immediately sobbing like a child.

"I missed you," she whispered into my ear, her voice rough and tired. I wondered where she'd been these past few weeks, who she'd met, who she was now. I held her tight, closing my eyes as I felt her warmth. Her softness, her curves, her details that weren't like Daichi's. The sensation of his hands on my body electrified my every nerve as (y/n) clutched onto me, his deep golden eyes the only thing I could see when she stared up at me.

"I missed you," she repeated, needy. I needed her so desperately, eager to be alone and forget about the night before, the way his lips felt on mine. To forget everything.

"I missed you, too," I finally replied, pulling her in close so I didn't have to look her in the eyes. Once we separated we immediately headed to her apartment, our hands locked the entire ride. She babbled on, asking a million questions about my camp. I tried to answer normally but my every reply sounded suspicious as it came out, words laced with guilt. I tried to let her talk about her trip but she was more interested in me, going in circles every time I asked.

We rushed inside once we arrived, shoes left at the door as she pulled me onto the couch on top of her. Her lips met mine feverishly, her touch somehow different now as I tried to switch my thoughts off. It hurt as her hands ran through my hair, her legs feeling like a vice as she wrapped them around me. My conscience ate me up, screaming to tell her the truth but I slipped my hands under her shirt instead, leaning down to leave bruises on her neck that claimed her as my own. I wanted everything in that moment, to immerse myself in her. I needed some kind of physical proof that we loved each other, something to remind me that she was mine and I was hers. I was grateful as she pulled us into the bedroom, laying me down and straddling herself over me. Her lips, gummy and soft, were nothing like Daichi's as they trailed down my body, leaving a trail as she went. I needed control though, to make up for my lack thereof before; I flipped her over on her back beneath me, my movements aggressive. She stared up at me with wide eyes and I simply kissed her to avoid the unavoidable. Our bodies met again and again, losing myself in her before long.

I held her close afterwards, afraid to lose her if she went out of reach.

"Wow, Koushi," she giggled, the sound sending a twinge of guilt through me. "That was... different. What kinda things were they teaching you at that camp?" I forced myself to laugh into her hair; the smell would usually put me at ease but anxiety rushed through my chest instead.

"I really missed you," I answered. The day went on, small breaks in between making love over and over. It was all I could do not to shatter, my only solace in her touch.

"I love you," she mumbled. We were sat on the couch, her legs bare in just a pair of underwear, one of my t-shirts hiding the rise and fall of her chest. I cradled her in my chest, exhaustion thankfully masking the anxiety bubbling in my heart.

"I love you," I spoke, my voice thick and sleepy. She traced a finger across my jaw, leading me down to place a lazy kiss on her mouth, her eyes half open. We stayed like that, burnt out from too much sex, our bodies basically melted into each other at this point. She adjusted herself to use me as a pillow, closing her eyes. My breath began to slow, consciousness quickly fading.

I woke up seemingly too soon, the world outside the living room window dark and silent save for the crickets. I looked down at (y/n), her breathing quiet and calm. I loved her so much it scared me; I wanted to save every little detail for me and only me. She squirmed beneath me, her eyes just barely opening as she let out an incoherent mumble before reclaiming her place on my chest.

"You're my best friend." I whispered, stroking her hair as her breathing regained it's slow, steady rhythm. I didn't know if she heard me but it didn't matter. It was the first truth I'd told her since I'd come home, and I said it mostly for my own confirmation. My conscience ached for some sort of ease and I wanted to believe being truthful with myself was the first step, even though I knew my only hope was confessing to her now. I didn't though, our breaths falling in sync as I fell back asleep.


	14. 14

We spent the last days of summer attached at the hip; she even asked me to invite Daichi over, but I lied and said he was busy. He'd called a thousand times, helpless voicemails piling up in my inbox, most of which I deleted before I could let them eat me up. At practice I didn't let the team see the growing divide between him and I, putting on my most honest smile for them. He'd confront me in the locker room; the first few times I somehow tried to explain myself, as if my behavior made any sense.

But as time went on, I knew he saw straight through me. That didn't stop his hands falling on my shoulders, pulling me forward into heated kisses in the vacant locker room. And I let myself enjoy every moment of it. I got high at the sound of a door creaking open when his hands were on my bare skin, or when he held my hand behind our backs, standing shoulder to shoulder so no one would see. I found myself enjoying the thrill of it, my lies pouring out easily to anyone who dared question me. Even with (y/n), my mouth formed intricate tales before they even processed in my head, ceaselessly coming out even when my heart ached to tell her the truth. Every moment away from Daichi was filled with the fear of being caught, and I knew what I was doing was wrong.

It wasn't when she was panting my name that these feelings hit me. It was little things; when I opened the freezer to find a pint of my favorite ice cream, when she'd let me ramble on about volleyball and actually be engaged in the conversation, or when she silently played my favorite CD on the ride home. It was a deep, open wound in my chest that bled so only I could see how much pain I was in. And each time I was close to showing her, I fell into Daichi's arms and pretended to be perfectly fine. I was quickly becoming the kind of person I hated, and as much as the thought gnawed away at me, I continued on, enjoying Daichi and (y/n) as much as I pleased.

-

Once school started, things rapidly began to change. It wasn't long until Daichi, Asahi, and I graduated now, days slipping by like sand between my fingers. (Y/n) was busy too, spending more time on airplanes than with me. It made me upset that she was gone so much and I confided in Daichi- not with words, of course. He hated hearing her name, and even though he knew I refused to leave her he seemed content enough with our arrangement. We knew each other too well and we were sinking into the ground together, hands linked behind our backs as if no one could see through us.

We really believed that. That nobody noticed the secret glances between us, the 'accidental' touches, the way we lingered behind after everyone had left.

It was late September and the last of the cicadas hummed their song outside the window. (Y/n) sat next to me on the couch at my house, focused on the screen of her laptop. I loved her. I loved the way her glasses rested of the bridge of her nose, and how her focus was unbreakable when she was working. The way her things were scattered across the coffee table was somehow endearing, as was the way she messily tied her hair back.

My mom and dad had gone to bed early, leaving us alone downstairs. It was almost ten o'clock and I had just finished my homework, packing my things away in my backpack. I closed my eyes as I leaned my head on her shoulder, her skin cool on my cheek. Deep down my heart was being eaten away by guilt, termites destroying a once beautiful home.

"Hey, baby," she mumbled, her voice far away. She scratched the curve of my jaw with her nails like a puppy and I hummed into her skin, desperate to be close to her.

"(Y/n)," I quietly whined, nudging my head closer. She ignored me, typing and clicking away.

"(Y/n)," I drew out the syllables of her name, clawing for her attention. I was being selfish but I didn't care, determined to make her want me more than her work. She glanced down at me, her gaze clearly disinterested with me.

"Yeah?" She said, a hint of exasperation in her tone. I lost my nerve, simply sitting up from her shoulder without a word. She went back to her work without questioning me, and my mind darted to Daichi. I stood up and went upstairs, grabbing my phone before I plopped onto my bed. I knew I should've felt guilty texting him but I didn't allow the feeling to invade me, typing a short message to him anyways. We ended up texting each other for a while, our conversation playful and flirty.

I let out a squeal, my hands involuntarily shoving my phone in my pocket when I noticed (y/n) walk into my room. Her eyes were curious, a small smirk on her lips as she sat on the bed next to me.

"What are you hiding from me?"

"N-nothing!" I said, my voice a high pitched whisper as my heart began to pound. She quietly laughed, standing from my bed to strip out of her clothes, rifling through my drawers for something to wear to bed. I loved the way her body dipped and curved, every little detail enchanting me. I knew she was perfect and I was a monster, a villain, for doing what I was. I suddenly longed for her touch, a confirmation that we were in love. I crossed my bedroom to her, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind and placing a gentle kiss on her collarbone. She placed a hand on my cheek, caressing me so softly that it felt somehow unreal. I liked her expression when we were alone together. She looked serene and I knew in her head she thought nothing could hurt her when we were together. She left herself vulnerable to me and only me.

"I love you," she said, her voice low.

"I love you," my words fumbled out awkwardly, like it was my first time confessing to her. She turned to face me, one of her giggles escaping from her lips. Her eyes were tired, deep circles of gray beneath her eyes as she laid in my bed, waiting to pull the sheet over her until I crawled in next to her. It was still a bit warm outside but I pulled her into my chest anyways, unable to be without her close to me. I wanted to talk; the truth was bubbling in the pit of my chest, threatening to boil over. I knew she wasn't up to it though, the way she silently shifted closer to me, her breath becoming even after only a few minutes.

My phone buzzed in my pocket; I knew it was Daichi and I suddenly was sick with myself, my stomach turning. I was in love with the girl cradled in my arms but I continued to fool around with my best friend as if it didn't count. It was like I was someone else with Daichi, my body moving on someone else's accord. I ripped my phone from my pocket and threw it across the room, a loud thud against the wall.

"What was that?" (Y/n) shot up, only half awake at this point. My hands refused to comfort her, guilt overwhelming me.

"Nothing. Sorry." I mumbled, walking into the bathroom, leaving her alone. I shut and locked the door behind me, leaning my forehead against the mirror. My own eyes bore into me, angry and full of disgust. I didn't know who I was anymore, the person staring back at me a stranger. I forced myself to pull it together though, splashing water on my face before returning to (y/n). My stomach dropped as I saw she was plugging my phone in next to my nightstand.

"It was almost dead," she said, her voice calm as usual. I didn't know how to act; I was torn as I climbed into bed next to her, facing each other now. She gently placed her hand on my cheek, fingertips pushing my hair away from my face. Her expression was calm but it made me uneasy, her eyes seemingly different.

"I love you." She whispered, her eyes burning through me.

"I love you." I repeated. She gave me a small smile but I couldn't tell if it was genuine. Before I had the chance to even truly consider coming clean she closed her eyes, nuzzling in close to me. I convinced myself I was imagining the uncertainty behind her gaze, the guilt playing tricks on me. I fell asleep shortly after, determined to somehow make things right, starting tomorrow.

-

The next day I told (y/n) not to pick me up after practice, telling her one last lie that I had to focus on studying (which wasn't actually a complete lie). I met Daichi outside the school after everyone had left, standing in front of him in one of the outside corridors. My hands were sweating and shaking, every nerve buzzing.

"Hey," he said, concern on his face.

"Hey," I breathed. "We need to talk." His eyes widened, his response only a nod. We began to walk in step, neither of us speaking for a while. The tension was practically visible between us, our eyes glued to our feet as I gathered up the courage to say what I had practiced in my head all day.

"Daichi-"

"Just say it." He said, stopping on the silent sidewalk. We turned and faced each other; his eyes were clenched shut.

"Daichi, we can't do this anymore," I began, desperate to get on with what we both knew was coming. "We can't keep going on the way we are as if it's not completely wrong-"

"What's wrong about it?" He asked, his voice cracking like a piano.

"We're best friends Daichi," I said, my voice getting higher. "I have a girlfriend, and-"

"If you didn't have a girlfriend would things be different?"

"Daichi-"

"If (y/n) wasn't around would things be different?" He spat her name.

"That's not fair, Daichi!" I pleaded.

"You know what's not fair?" He said, looking up at me. "That you let me believe I actually had a chance when you never intended to return my feelings. You let me go on thinking I might eventually win you over when she was the only one you actually cared about hurting. Well guess what, Suga? You hurt me too."

"Daichi, you know how much I care about (y/n) and this whole time you just tried to win me over instead of supporting me-"

"Are you serious?!" He yelled, a passerby on the opposite side of the street glancing at us. "You think it's my fault that you cheated on your girlfriend? You can't blame me for that, and you can't blame me for falling in love with you either."

"If you'd have just been happy for me instead of looking like you were going to be sick anytime I mentioned (y/n) then none of this would have happened!" I yelled back, unable to place the fault on myself even though I knew it was the truth.

"Was I supposed to pretend to be happy and let myself die inside every time I saw you happy with her instead of me? Should is have given up to save you from what would have probably happened regardless?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It hardly took anything for you to give in and be with me. You would have cheated on her with anyone who came along."

"Stop saying that!" I stepped forward, mere inches between us.

"Stop saying what? That you cheated on her?" He scoffed. "Don't tell me you've let yourself believe that what you've done with me somehow doesn't count because we're guys or something. You cheated on (y/n) and you're responsible for anything that comes from that. You're responsible for hurting me and her."

"Shut up!" I shouted, closing the gap between us as I grasped the collar of his shirt despite him being bigger than me. He shoved me away by my shoulders, causing me to take a couple steps backwards. He began to step away from me, his expression pained.

"You did this to yourself, Suga," he said, looking away from me. We stood across from each other, the sun setting behind me casting a golden light on everything. "You can cut me out of your life and pretend nothing ever happened, and maybe (y/n) will never know anything. But you will. You'll always know that you've left scars on people you claim you love and nothing can change that."

I stared at him in silence, the truth of his words twisting through me like a knife. He finally turned his back on me, walking away. My legs remained still, heavy as lead beneath me. I felt wetness running down my cheeks and I fell to my knees, unable to even support myself any longer.

The sun set behind me, gold turning to black before my eyes. After seemingly an eternity I stood from the pavement, walking myself home. My brain wasn't working though, my thoughts muted out by a numbness inside of me. I didn't feel the chill of the night air, or the vibrating of my phone, or hear strangers asking if I was alright. My wound was open and bleeding, leaving a trail behind me as my body somehow managed to walk me home. I was simply going through the motions as I opened the front door and walked upstairs to my room, a half-hearted hello to my parents on the way.

I dropped my backpack on the floor and stood there silently. My body now refused to move, not even falling onto my unmade bed where (y/n) had slept with me just hours ago. I simply stood in my bedroom, my mind somehow vacant and racing simultaneously. I stood there for ages, ignoring the knocks at my door and the ringing of my phone; I ignored the truth as I had been doing this whole time, pretending I wasn't the monster I really was.


	15. 15

The chill I felt when I woke up went down to my bones, my toes numb despite being beneath the covers. I stayed underneath the blankets far too long, the honk of (y/n)'s car outside forcing me to change into a wrinkled uniform, wordlessly stumbling into the passenger seat. My head was hazy, not quite awake even as the cool morning air kissed my skin through the crack of the window. Minutes of silence passed and I made no effort to break it; I knew if she asked what was wrong I would have to lie and I didn't have it in me anymore, or at least I thought.

"Everything okay? You seem really out of it, babe," she said, pressing the back of her hand on my cheek. I slumped even deeper into the seat, my mind already forming a lie before I had time to feel guilty about it.

"I had to stay up late studying last night," I realize how weak of an excuse it is and the look of obvious suspicion on her face says that she sees right through me. She takes a moment to collect her thoughts as she pulls into the parking lot. Practice doesn't officially start for another seven minutes according to the car's clock so I decide to stay put.

"Koushi," she faces me, her eyes looking deep in the early morning light. I swallow, my worst fears playing out before my eyes.

"Koushi, you've been scaring me lately," she says, her voice hardly above a whisper. "You're like a different person. I know you're hiding something from me and it's like you think I haven't noticed- like you think I'm stupid."

"I don't think you're stupid," I mumble, refusing to return her gaze. Even without looking though, I can sense she's getting pissed, her eyes burning holes through me.

"Koushi, I'm trying so hard to believe in you but, but-" she hiccups a sob away and the sound shoots through my heart, opening up my wound that has yet to scab over. I stay silent, my eyes carefully trained on the glove compartment in front of me. A few beats of silence painfully pass.

"Fucking say something," her voice cracks as she slumps over the steering wheel, her crying strained and quiet unlike the usual dramatic sobs. For some reason I remain mute, the lump in my throat in the way of any words I might want to say.

"Please," her voice is thick with tears and I find myself collecting my things on the floor in front of me, my body carrying me away. Before I open the door I allow myself a glance and her head is turned directly towards me. Her face is contorted in pain as she barely holds herself up on the wheel, her body shaking the slightest. She squeezes her eyes shut, tears dripping down her jaw and throat as she opens them again.

A strangled sound tries to come out of my lips but nothing coherent is formed. I push the door open and shut it behind me; her eyes stick to me like glue as I walk away and I can't tear my own eyes from her shivering figure. It's the final day of September and the chill of the wind cuts through me as (y/n) eventually fades out of sight.

-

(Y/n)'s car sat parked in front of my house when I got home. The sight sent mixed emotions; I knew it was either a confession or an end. The three-letter word was vile in even just my thoughts.

End. We aren't supposed to have an end, I thought. We're forever.

I felt numb as I realized the car was empty. Neither of my parents' cars sat in the driveway and I wondered exactly where (y/n) was, my heart beginning to pound. I decided to take a walk around the house before I entered and was surprised to see a familiar form huddled on the back stairs. Her head shot up at the sound of my footsteps and the look in her eyes was nothing short of dead.

I hesitantly approach; she scoots over on the small step and I take it as an invitation to sit down. The stairs are small though, and our thighs and shoulders are flush once I settle down. I finally gather enough nerve to look at her directly; she's wearing her glasses but I see the dark circles through them, as well as the irritated red indicating she's only recently stopped crying. She doesn't speak for some time, the only sound the wind blowing around us.

"(Y/n)," I breathe her name, letting go of the breath I didn't realize I was holding. She turns to me and we're locked in each other's gaze for an impossibly long moment, words hanging between us that clawed to be spoken. She nodded quietly, encouraging me to speak.

"(Y/n), I have to tell you something," I repeated, my hands physically shaking in my lap.

"I know." Her voice is venomous. I know she knows and it only makes everything a thousand times worse. I take as deep of a breath as I can manage before continuing.

"I- I've been... messing around..." My voice breaks, and it takes me a second to collect myself. With the four words I've spoken she's already holding her head in her hands, desperately trying not to lose it.

"I've been messing around with someone else," I finally blurt out. She stands up from the cement stairs and takes a few steps back, refusing to even spare me a glance. I feel wetness dripping down my cheeks, tears falling that I hadn't even noticed.

"Who?" It's more of a command than a question and his name gets stuck in the back of my throat, unlike the many times I'd gladly called it out before.

"Who?" She repeats, staring down at me. I stay silent.

"Who the fu-"

"Daichi! It was Daichi, okay?"

"What?!" She screams, reaching down and picking me up by the collar.

"It was Daichi," I repeated, our faces only inches apart. The distance felt insurmountable, though, as if I would never again feel like her eyes were only on me.

"You're fucking kidding me," she spat as she released me. "You're fucking kidding me!" She yelled into the overcast sky, the only response the cold wind.

"(Y/n), I'm so-"

"Don't fucking say it. Don't you dare tell me you're sorry because if you were you wouldn't have done it in the first place."

There's a moment of silence between us that spans ages. I don't have anything to defend myself with; she's right. Under all circumstances she should get in her car and drive away, never see me again.

I knew it was selfish but I couldn't have that. I couldn't let her walk away and leave me with this gaping hole where my heart should be. I stood up from the cold step and approached her, careful not to overstep my boundaries.

"I love you, (y/n)," I said, my voice higher than usual. I reached for her hand but she pulled away, taking a step backward.

"I love you, (y/n), and you shouldn't forgive me or let this go but I'm begging you to let me prove that I'll never hurt you again. It won't be the same but at least let me try."

Long silence. She kept her eyes trained to the ground before looking up at me through furrowed brows.

"I don't want to give you the chance to make me feel like this again," she began, taking a deep breath. "Koushi, you made me feel like me being here was right. It was more than that-"

She choked back a sob, looking up at the sky again. "You made me feel like I was supposed to be here. I don't know what's out there but I thought that maybe something bigger than you and I brought us together. And I believed that; I believed in us and maybe I was wrong to fall so in love with you-"

She crouched to the ground and buried her head between her knees, strained sobs muffled.

"It's my fault." She choked out, her voice loud over the silence. I fell to the ground next to her and wrapped my arms around her cold body, holding her tighter when she half-heartedly tried to squirm away. I buried my head in the crook of her neck, my tears dripping onto her skin.

"It's not your fault, (y/n)," I bit my lower lip, desperately trying not to choke on the lump in my throat. "I fucked everything up. I really, really fucked up and I became the kind of person I hate."

I pulled away, my hands on her shoulders as I looked in her eyes for seemingly the first time in ages.

"I'll do anything to make things right, (y/n). You made me realize what I was missing this whole time and now that I know what it's like I can't be without you. Please let me make us right."

My speech didn't feel like enough but I couldn't choke out anymore words before I was crying into her shoulder again. Her tentative hand on the back of my neck made my heart soar just like the first times we got close and I found myself squeezing her tighter.

"I need time," she whispered, pulling away too soon. "I need a lot of time and I don't even know if that'll be enough... but I love you and I don't want to be in this town unless we're together."

She stood up and reached out a hand to help me up; it was a gesture I didn't expect and I don't think she did either, her eyes wide as I rose up to her level. She hesitantly released my hand, taking a deep breath.

"No one has ever made me feel as wonderful or as worthless as you have," she said, her voice stronger than usual. "I don't know what that means but I think it counts for something."

She stepped around me to the cement steps and bent down to pick up her keys. She turned to face me, her features seemingly more confident and sure than they were previously. The wind blowing seemed to reach a momentary calm, the world completely soundless for a long moment.

"I love you," I whispered. She nodded before turning her back on me.

"I know."

She walked away. A few seconds passed and I heard the sound of her car starting and driving away.

I found myself feeling suspiciously empty; I tried to think everything over but my mind was like a steel trap, nothing coming in or out. I sat on the cold steps again, letting the wind ruffle my hair.

I don't remember how much time passed but I sat there until my parents returned home, relieving me from my numbness when they opened the back door in a panic. My mom frantically asked what I was doing, how long I'd been there, did she need to call the doctor. I gave her as much of a smile as I could muster up, wrapping my arms around her.

"I'll be okay," I sighed, holding on for longer than I probably had since I was ten. She pulled away and examined me, her expression suspicious.

"You better be," she replied, letting me go. We all ate at the table together for the first time in a long time; even though I stayed quiet for the most part it felt calm somehow, as if the same force that possibly brought (y/n) together would work to bring us together again.


	16. 16

I texted (y/n) good morning and good night for exactly twenty-seven days without response. As agonizing as the silence was, I knew I completely deserved it. The fact that my messages made it to her phone instead of being completely blocked was a miracle in itself.

On the twenty-eighth day I woke up to a text; this was surprising because the only people who had made contact with me in the last month were my parents. Most of the team knew or at least had an idea of what happened and they kept their distance. At practice and games they pretended everything was fine but nobody waited for me to change, or offered to get meat buns with me. Things had indefinitely shifted- my life six months ago was now perpendicular to the present.

(Y/n): im having a party tonight if you wanna come. asahi and a few other boys u know will be there and id really like to see you....sorry its so last minute haha

My fingers turned numb around my phone, my heart skipping a beat. Just to see her name appear on the screen was enough to make me emotional, tears welling up in my eyes before I could even think of a response. I furiously rubbed at my eyes though, forcing myself to pull it together. This is my chance, I thought. My chance to make things right.

I made sure I thought over my response about three thousand times, typing until my hands got tired, before deciding on "what time". At school I anxiously waited, keeping my phone on my person even during practice.

Finally, on the unseasonably warm walk home after practice, my phone vibrated. I pulled it out much too quickly to be considered normal, my palms sweating before I even typed in my passcode.

(Y/n): whenever you can ! there are a few ppl here now so whenever u want

I broke into a sprint, crashing through the front door and running upstairs to take the fastest shower in human history. My mom pounded on the door so hard I thought she'd leave a dent in the wood.

"What's going on, Suga?!" She yelled as I dried myself off.

"(Y/n) invited me to a party and there are already people there!" I shouted through the door as I vigorously shook my hair out; it had gotten longer than it had ever been, a haircut being the last concern I had at the end of the day.

"(Y/n)?"

"Yes!" My voice was higher than usual, the excitement getting the best of me. I quickly checked in the mirror for any stubble- there wasn't any, as usual. I nearly took my mom out with the door as I swung it open, her face showing a mixture of curiosity and the classic angry mom expression.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" She asked skeptically, one eyebrow raised. She only knew parts of the truth; I told her we were on a break, leaving out that I cheated on (y/n), much less that it was with Daichi who had been sleeping over since I was learning to tie my shoes.

"Positive," I breathed, stepping past her into my room to get dressed. She left me with a sigh, mumbling about how unexplainable teenagers were as she went downstairs. I rifled through my every drawer, not a single article of clothing good enough. It was warm out and I had no idea if (y/n) still had the A/C in, or how hot it might get in her apartment if there were a bunch of people. I finally settled on a pair of dark jeans and a light yellow t-shirt that (y/n) always wished I'd wear when she would rummage through my clothes. I shoved my wallet and phone in their respective back pockets, kissing my mom goodbye before beginning the walk to (y/n)'s apartment. I had to remind myself not to run, determined to keep my cool and arrive as not sweaty as possible. She lived about a twenty minute walk away and five minutes in I wished I'd worn looser pants and sneakers rather than boat shoes that dug a hole in the back of my heel.

As I walked up a particularly steep hill a familiar car skidded to a stop at the sight of me.

"Hey!" (Y/n) yelled, motioning me to her. I walked over to her window, wincing at how loud she had the music. She giggled as she turned the nob down, looking me up and down for a moment. She looked like she was thinking of something to say about my appearance but instead she gave me a smile, nodding her head toward the passenger seat.

"If you needed a ride you should have told me," she laughed. I took it as an invitation inside the car and jogged around, silently enjoying the rush of air against my skin as she picked up speed.

"Thank you," I said, turning to steal a glance at her. She looked good; her eyes were bright and lively, her hair falling on her shoulders like a carefully painted work of art, her expression calm. I especially enjoyed the slight flush in her cheeks, considering how dead she'd appeared the last time I saw her.

"It's not a big deal," she answered. "I'd be an ass if I drove by and let you walk to my place when I'm going there anyways. I'm just picking up a friend then going back."

An uneasy weight settled on my chest as she drove on. I knew (y/n) was popular; she had endless contacts in her phone, thousands on thousands of followers, answering calls from strangers at least twice a day. All that felt so distant though, as if those people somehow existed in another universe separate from her and I. I never met any of her friends or family, and she never gave any details about them if I'd ask.

We drove around for longer than I anticipated, especially when I took note that we passed the same street three times. I wondered if she was lost and too embarrassed to ask for help but as we pulled into her own driveway confusion settled over me.

"What about your friend?" I turned to face her. Her skin was a deep red, the color blotched down her neck as she kept her face turned away from me.

"I lied," she said, her voice meek.

"What? Why?"

"I was driving around because I figured you'd be walking and I... I wanted to see you, I guess," she got out of the car, still careful not to make eye contact with me. "It was stupid. Sorry." I laughed as we climbed up the metal stairs to her door, tempted to grab her in an embrace before we were surrounded by others.

"You don't need to apologize," I laughed, deciding to keep my distance from her. She turned to face me, her cheeks still red as she gave me a heavenly smile.

"You look very nice," she whispered as she turned and opened the door, no time to lose my head over her words. The apartment wasn't packed like I imagined; a few unfamiliar faces stood around, but I felt a mix of relief and guilt seeing some of my teammates. Asahi noted my presence first, his gaze unreadable as he made no effort to approach me. The fear of sticking myself to (y/n) the whole night creeped up and as she left me for a few moments I wedged myself between Kageyama and Hinata on the couch, neither of them too aware of the tension between me and seemingly the entire world.

"Suga! I didn't know you were coming!" Hinata said, fiddling nervously with a red plastic cup in his hands. I glanced down at it and the look of terror on his face was priceless as he nearly spilled it placing it on the coffee table.

"You can drink if you want," I laughed. "I won't tell."

"Really? You won't tell Daichi? He's not gonna be here, is he?" He looked around frantically, as if Daichi was somehow lurking among everyone.

"Dumbass," Kageyama muttered, glaring across me at Hinata. "Daichi wouldn't come to (y/n)'s house after he was with Sugawara behind her back."

A silence so loud it nearly broke my eardrums fell across the three of us. A few moments passed and Kageyama slowly realized exactly what he said, all of us bright red with embarrassment.

"Suga-san, I- I'm really, really so-"

"It's okay!" I laughed, flashing my most convincing smile as I stood up from the couch. "I think I'm gonna get a drink." I plastered my smile on as I crossed to the kitchen, ready to sign myself away to a quiet drunk night on (y/n)'s couch. She approached me from where I awkwardly placed myself by the counter, patiently waiting for a couple of strangers to move away from the fridge. She shimmied around them, the distance between us so small that if I even shifted my weight we'd be touching.

"What can I get for you?" She smiled, probably a little buzzed already. She kept squirming around, nudging against me every couple of seconds.

"I don't know," I laughed, keeping my voice quiet enough just for her to hear. "You know I don't really drink much." She giggled, the sound as strange as I remembered, taking a step so that I was pushed against the wall. My every fantasy flashed in my head as she smirked, reaching around to the cabinet just above my head. She pulled out a bottle of clear liquid, with a picture of a piece of cake on the label.

"You can only drink if you promise to stay the night," she winked at me, her eyes sparkling in the dim overhead light. Everyone seemed to dissappear and I was alone with her; our eyes locked, our every movement somehow calculated to match each other's. I knew that even if we both ended up piss drunk I'd just carry her to bed and sleep on the floor, my wildest dreams staying just that.

"Promise." I whispered, holding out my pinky for her. She giggled but ignored my hand- I chalked it up to her being tipsy, especially when she nearly broke an ankle twirling around to pluck a red cup from the stack on the counter. She began to pour the vodka in and I thankfully was paying attention as she nearly filled half the cup before I stopped her.

"What the hell?" I squealed, reaching to take the bottle from her. She arched her back away from me, a sneaky grin as I inadvertently ended up just inches from her. I narrowed my eyes; I'd never actually seen (y/n) drunk. Every now and then she'd have a beer at dinner, scolding me when I asked for one ("you're an athlete!").

"Are you trying to kill me?" I scoffed, dumping some of the drink in the sink. She frowned but stayed quiet as she opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of seltzer water, filling the rest of my cup with the bubbly liquid.

"I hope you're more fun drunk than you are now," she grumbled as she shoved the drink into my chest, splashing onto my shirt.

She stared at me as I took a sip, the faux anger fading to a calm. The drink was still too strong for me and I desperately tried to hide the fact, squeezing my eyes shut as I swallowed. She gave me a soft laugh, her gaze almost nostalgic.

"I missed you," she said, seemingly to herself. I stayed silent; every one of my responses to those words I'd killed myself over and over to hear from her were far too much, or maybe not enough. I settled on poking her in the head, eliciting another small laugh. She opened her mouth as if to say something but I knew she wasn't drunk enough to let the words I knew she had on the tip of her tongue slip. I wasn't either, no matter how the three words clawed at my throat as she turned and left me with my drink which I finished far too quickly. After an hour and a half I was pouring my third, a happy numbness settled over me. My limbs were only slightly in my control, but I somehow managed to keep to myself, only speaking when spoken to.

As I nearly dumped the remainder of the vodka in my cup, Asahi approached me.

"Hey," he yelled. The music had gotten pretty loud and more people had shown up since I arrived.

"Hey," I nodded, too drunk to be nervous about anything he had to say to me. He had his own cup in his hand and after I finished pouring my drink he poured the rest of the vodka in his cup, taking a swig of it straight. He looked down at me, as if he had just taken a sip of lemonade on a nice summer day.

"I think I should have a talk with you."


	17. 17

The air outside remained stagnant, the warmth unusual since it was nearly November. I sat quietly on the step next to Asahi, amusing myself by swishing my drink around in its cup. The silence dragged on and I began to wonder if he'd ever speak up; luckily he did before my drunken mouth let me speak my thoughts.

"Suga, why are you here?"

"(Y/n) invited me."

"Do you think being here is what's best for her?" He sighed, exhausted.

"I don't understand the question," I mumbled. I felt weightless but also as if my legs were made of lead, every tiny movement magnified.

"You know exactly what I'm trying to say, Suga. I don't care how drunk you are; you hurt her and you should know that it's best if you just stay away."

"What?" I turned to face him. An anger bubbled up inside, Asahi's bravery pissing me off. "What the hell do you know about (y/n)? What do you know about us?"

"I know that I'm the one she's been crying to the past month," he said, his expression dark. "I know that you hurt her more than she'll ever let on to you, even if you got back together. I know she's not the same anymore and that it's your fault. I know that me, you, and Daichu aren't the sa-"

"Would you shut up?" I slurred, wobbling as I stood up. "Y-you don't know about (y/n), you don't know about Daichi, and you certainly don't kn-know about me." I began to walk back up the stairs but nearly fell down as Asahi whipped me around by my shirt, shoving me against the metal railing. He leaned so close his breath tickled my cheek, hot on my skin especially with the already oppressive humidity. He spent a few moments glaring at me, holding me up off my feet by my collar as if I weighed nothing.

"I'd like to think I once knew a lot about you and Daichi until you two started fucking around behind my back," he whispered, his voice laced with a venom that could kill. The person holding me up was not the Asahi I knew; his eyes were dark like liquor, his usual meek demeanor all but dissipated. He wanted to hurt me, whereas the Asahi I knew was incapable of even laying a finger on anyone.

The sound of the door opening behind us saved me just as Asahi cocked his fist, both of us turning toward the sound. (Y/n) stumbled out, her movements sloppy as she approached us.

"H-heyyy guys," she drawled, swinging a bottle in her hand. "What's goin' on?"

"(Y/n)," Asahi said, the usual twinge of anxiety back in his voice. "Are you okay? Maybe you should lay down."

"Maybe-" She hiccuped. "Maybe you... should lay down."

I laughed as I slowly climbed the stairs, my legs jelly beneath me. I knew I was just as drunk as (y/n) but for some reason it was funnier to watch her stumble and slur, her cheeks pleasantly flushed.

"(Y/n)..." Asahi whined, taking a step closer to her. Her eyes darted to where I subconsciously swayed in place, a smile across her face as she pushed passed Asahi.

"Koushi," she giggled. "You're drunk." The words poigently fell from her lips in a very matter of fact manner, accentuating the 'k' sound.

"So are you," I laughed, my hands cupping her face on their own. Asahi looked down at us, his expression growing dark. I hardly noticed though, the way she curled pieces of my hair around her fingers, bumping our foreheads together as she went on about absolutely nothing.

Asahi grunted loudly, our attention pulled to him.

"Seriously, (y/n)?" He said, his words sounding more like a plea. "What are you doing? You've cried on my shoulder every night over him and now you're right back in his arms after a few drinks?"

"Asahi, it's n-none of your business," she mumbled, still gripping my arm. "Just go back inside and get drunk like the rest of us."

He gazes at her for a long moment, his eyes welling up a bit. He whips his head to me, anger dark on his face as he stepped past us, shoving me on his way by. Before he stepped down the stairs though he stopped, his hands balled into fists at his sides.

"Listen, (y/n)," he spoke. She clung onto me, her head resting on my shoulder. She grunted in response.

"Don't call me over anymore when you're upset. I can't do it anymore and I'm obviously just wasting my time."

"Okay." She agrees almost happily, squeezing me tighter. He lets out a shaky breath before continuing down the stairs and across the small street to his house, his giant figure seeming small in the distance. She nuzzled into the crook of my neck like a kitten, practically purring as I ran my hand up and down her back.

"Let's go inside," she giggled, pulling me along behind her.

Inside I could hardly focus on anything besides walking in a not so straight line, unable to put one foot in front of the other. (Y/n) led me to the kitchen, pouring each of us another drink while she hummed to herself. A good amount of the drink ended up spilling across the counter and floor as she handed it to me, both of us just laughing over the mess. The living room was pretty packed but we managed to find a space on the couch where I pulled her on my lap. She wiggled around to get comfy but I knew she was intentionally trying to drive me crazy.

"Heyyy, Koushi," she giggled softly into my ear.

"Yeah?" I laughed, playing with her hair as if no one else was in the room.

"We... are not having sex tonight." She laughed, burying her face in my shoulder. I almost spit as I started laughing too, tears welling up in my eyes.

"It wasn't that funny," she whined, despite also having tears rolling down her cheeks. I pulled her in close, her warmth such a strange but familiar comfort that I couldn't help and revel in it. I wanted her alone despite what she'd just stated, and even though I knew I couldn't get drunk enough to do it anyway it gnawed away at me as she pushed herself closer and closer with every giggle and sip of her drink.

Soon enough people started passing out; on the couch, on the floor, in chairs around the tiny kitchen table, on the kitchen table. (Y/n) was softly snoring on my chest and I wanted to let her sleep but I was wedged between two strangers whose legs kept jerking into mine. I somehow managed to get her off of me and practically dragged her into her bedroom, pushing her off of me and onto the bed.

"C'mon, baby," I slurred, finding myself in between fits of laughter as I moved her around on the bed, her body like a rag doll. She groaned, squirming beneath the sheets as she got herself comfortable. Seconds later she was snoring again, louder this time.

I let out a sigh of relief as I flopped onto the bed next to (y/n), still careful to keep my distance. Sleep quickly grasped me, my drunken thoughts fading into a warm numbness; despite this though I still felt an arm wrap around my body, a head nuzzle into my chest and I found myself pulling her closer, too drunk to care if she was pissed in the morning.

Which she was.

After everyone had gone home, I offered to stay and help clean up the apartment since it was absolutely destroyed. The pounding in my head was incessant and I enjoyed the silence as I picked up empty cans and bottles off the floor. The time passed and (y/n) and I remained wordless; after about an hour the place was clean again. I stretched out on the couch, closing my eyes for a moment.

"Koushi," (Y/n) spoke, her voice a little apprehensive. "I'll take you home now if you're ready."

My heart skipped; everything she said last night was just drunken babbling and I'd gotten my hopes up for nothing. The weight on my chest was so heavy it physically ached and I didn't know how to respond besides 'No,'.

"Uhm," I stuttered, clawing for a reason to stay. "Can I take you out to breakfast or something? Don't you want to eat?"

"It's fine," she answered, her voice flat as the jingle of her keys reached my ears, calling me away from her.

"Please," I stood up, my emotions taking over me. "Please, (y/n), give me a chance."

"Koushi, stop. I'm so fucking hungover and no offense but you are the last person I want to deal with right now," she said quietly, rubbing her temples. "I just don't have it in me right now."

I knew she was at her breaking point but I couldn't help pushing further, hoping she'd somehow find it in her to let me stay a little while longer.

"(Y/n), just let me take you out and then I'll leave- you don't even have to drive me home. Just please-"

"Koushi, stop. I don't owe you anything. If I knew you were gonna act like this I wouldn't have invited you."

"Seriously?" I stepped closer, a shadow of anger slowing growing behind me. "I'm trying my best to show you that I love you and you won't even respond to a single text for a month. I'm finally here with you and you're treating me like a criminal."

"You fucking are, Koushi!" She shouted, her voice cracking. "You are a criminal! You made me feel like less than a human being and you expect me to be ready to let you in as if you did nothing!"

"I can't say sorry enough, (y/n), okay? What do you want me to say, what do you want me to do? I know I fucked up and I'd do anything to take it back but I can't! I can't take it back and I'm doing anything I can to make you see that I'm sorry!"

"I want you to get out!" She screamed, pointing at the door. "I want you to get out and leave me alone with my broken fucking heart because that's what you left me with, Koushi! You left me with nothing and somehow you still expect me to have something for you!"

"All I'm asking is for a second chance!"

"And you don't deserve that! You don't even deserve what I've given you so far! I should have left you for fucking dead like you did to me!" She screamed, tears easily flowing down her cheeks. We were only about a step apart now but the distance felt like an ocean, impossible to cross. I openly cried now too, a mix of anger and guilt fueling my tears.

"Please," I squeaked, my voice breaking. "I need you."

She visibly shook where she stood in front of me, choking back her sobs to no avail. She put her keys down on the counter and my heart soared only to crash back down as she walked to the door, opening it. I stared at her in disbelief; she met my gaze with wide, hollow eyes, a sort of certainty in her actions.

"Is this it?" I managed to choke out.

"Koushi," she breathed, collecting herself for a few moments. "Life is unpredictable. I never expected to meet you and I never expected you to break my heart how you did." Her reminder cuts through me, the blistered wound in my chest opening up again.

"I can't say I expect to ever trust you again, but... life is unpredictable. I'm not the type to say 'forever', so for now I'll just say you never know." She's finished talking and it's time for me to leave until 'you never know'. I carry myself across the space from where I stand to the door and spend a long, long moment taking in every last detail because 'you never know' sounds more like 'eternal damnation' to me. She nods, encouraging me out of the door and suddenly I'm standing in the hallway with the door closed behind me and (y/n) on the other side. The sound of the door is more like the slamming of a gate, keeping me out forever.

I remember every last detail on the way home because I'm taking note of what to do next time that might change our outcome; that might change you never know into forever.

My thoughts are slammed to a halt when I walk inside my house though, finding an oddly calm Daichi sitting on my couch, chatting away pleasantly with my mother.


	18. 18

"Hey, honey," my mom greeted me, her expression quickly changing from happiness to concern. "Are you okay? You look like you've been crying."

I kept my gaze down but allowed myself a darting glance upward, stealing a look at Daichi. The pain in my chest called out for him to make it better and after everything (y/n) and I said I didn't think I cared anymore. His eyes were locked on me and it felt like we were alone in the world, as if my mom, my dad, Asahi, (y/n), and everyone else had ceased to exist. In the moment, I didn't care.

"I had kind of a rough night," I answered, mustering up a small smile for my mom. "Let's go upstairs, Daichi." He simply nodded and followed me up, barely a step behind me. Once we were in my room he gently closed the door, closing the gap between us in one step and pulling me into him.

I clung onto him tightly, as if I would die if I let go. I couldn't stop the gaping sobs as I cried, the sound hardly muffled in his shoulder. I fell to my knees and he fell with me, keeping me close as he rested one of his hands on the back of my neck. I was a bawling mess and his strong arms seemed like the only solace, the only thing keeping me from drowning in my own tears.

"Suga," he finally spoke, his voice warm and soft in the crook of my neck. "What happened?"

I broke down into even more sobs before I managed to speak, my body shaking.

"It's over," I choked out. "I hurt so many people to just end up with fucking nothing."

"That's not true," he quietly answered, pulling away a bit to look me in the eyes. He looked taken aback, and I knew all he saw on my face was a hollow shell of his best friend. His gaze softened as he raised his hand to my cheek, his calloused fingers gentle as they wiped away my tears.

"You have me."

I started crying again, falling in a heap in his arms, clinging so tight to his shirt that I wondered if I'd rip it. I didn't deserve his love; I didn't deserve anything at all, not even 'you never know'. But right now I was irreparably broken and Daichi was here, willing to try and fix me while (y/n) had let me go. I made the inevitable move and pushed my lips against his, his mouth passionate and forgiving on my bleeding heart. We escalated quickly and before long he was undressing me, making a map leading down my body with his kisses.

"My parents are here," I whispered, my voice lower and deeper than usual. His eyes darted around the room and I stared; he was beautiful from where he hovered above me. His body was dark and muscular, toned where I was scrawny still, his figure strong and steady where I was constantly wavering.

"Just turn on the radio and lock the door. I already told your mom we'd be studying for exams." He shifted off of me and I hurried to the stereo, pressing play without even looking at what CD was in there. He locked the door and met me in the center of my bedroom, pulling me to my bed. He gently laid me down and we picked up where we left off, my body his.

I held my breath to keep from letting out any noises while he pleasured me, his movements loving and careful. I wanted more though, and eventually I pushed him off, desperate for him to know what I wanted without saying a word. Unfortunately he didn't.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his voice low. He was only in underwear at this point, the fabric clearly tented. I didn't know how to tell him "I want you to bend me over right now," without sounding like a pervert, but my eyes glued to his crotch accomplished that anyways.

"I... I want more," I mumbled, my emotions on high.

"Oh." He simply said. We avoided each other's eyes, the silence almost overwhelming. I made the first move and reached to my nightstand, fumbling around for the pack of condoms in the back of the drawer, hidden under endless papers and knick knacks. Finally I reappeared with a foil wrapper, hesitantly handing it to Daichi.

"Are you sure?" He asked, looking at the condom with indecision.

"Yeah," I breathed, finally looking in his eyes. He nodded and slowly leaned down to place a kiss on my mouth, breathing each other in as he grinded his hips into mine, the movement drawing a groan from my lips. I was aching for him and he knew it, continuing to tease me until he finally got serious, his expression genuine as he pulled me closer and closer...

-

A couple hours passed and it was about lunch time when we dragged ourselves up from my bed. It felt like autumn in contrast to the night before; the wind rattled my window every now and then and I couldn't wear shorts comfortably today. Daichi stared at me as I sat up, his eyes soft as they trailed up and down my figure. I couldn't help but blush and turn away, embarrassment heating up my entire face. He chuckled as he sat up, pulling me back down towards him and nuzzling into the crook of my neck.

"I don't expect you to say it back, but I love you." His voice was low and deep like the roll of thunder in July, almost a sort of comfort. Despite the comfort, though, the pang in my chest was more like a bullet and I simply stood up and got dressed, too scared to make eye contact with him. He pulled on his clothes and a memory struck me suddenly; (y/n) giggling as she plucked through my drawers to find a shirt to wear after we'd have sex, even though her clothes were perfectly fine. She'd smile as she hopped back into bed with me and as I watched Daichi pull on his sweatpants that were definitely too big for me I felt a sudden wetness on my cheeks.

"Oh my god, what's wrong?" He rushed over to me, shirtless still, his hands on my shoulders. I couldn't meet his worried eyes as he began to shake me a bit, my head stuck in the memory of (y/n). Sobs didn't get stuck in my throat and I didn't fall to my knees; tears gently fell from my eyes, cool against my still flushed cheeks as I stood silently.

"Suga, please say something," he pleaded, snapping me out of my trance.

"Sorry, sorry," I said, wiping the tears away with the back of my hands. I shook my head vigorously, taking a deep breath before I met his eyes and smiled at him. "Sorry. I just... I guess I just sort of got lost there."

He cupped my cheeks in his hands, only inches between us. His eyes looked desperate to communicate with me but behind my gaze every scene of (y/n) I'd saved played and anything he was wordlessly trying to say got lost. He kissed me on the lips before stepping back to pull his shirt on, giving me one last assuring gaze before opening my door and heading downstairs.

I was on autopilot for the rest of the day, even when I walked Daichi home and he stole a kiss goodbye before his dad opened the front door.

Days passed and so did weeks, any throws of summer left in winter's dust. 'You never know' stayed such, and even though I found myself walking past (y/n)'s apartment more often than not, I never knocked on the door. I never allowed myself too long of a glance in the window, even when stranger's cars boiled my blood to the point I thought I'd broken my hand when I punched the brick retaining wall once. Everyone asked about the bandages but I just laughed and said they should see the other guy; not even Daichi got an honest answer, although I didn't invest much honesty in my relationship with him at this point. He'd stay the night and we'd have sex and I'd pretend to gaze into his eyes while he tried not to choke out my name but in reality I was mostly just spacing out, usually thinking of (y/n).

He didn't fix me. He didn't mend the wound in my chest. In fact it was more of a giant, gaping black hole at this point that grew emptier each passing day. My heart didn't flutter when he sneakily brushed past me at school or pin me against the wall in the locker room; I pretended it did but as the new year approached I realized I wouldn't be winning any awards for my acting.

It was the last day of school before winter break, and as we left our final class Daichi and I walked home alone. Nobody talked to us outside practice much anymore, not even in passing in the halls. Asahi actively avoided and ignored us save for actual games, and he made sure to talk loudly if (y/n) ever came up in conversation.

I'm sure to Daichi it felt like us against the world which might have been a comfort, but I was not in love with him and he was only in love with the memory of me that smiled genuinely and cared for others. I was different now- not just different but my life had been irreversibly changed after I met (y/n). I only smiled for the sake of the social formality of it, not even putting in the effort for my parents or Daichi. I was numb inside, cold as the weather outside.

We reached my front door and we stood there silently, my eyes carefully trained to the ground, his to me.

"I'm gonna be gone until the tenth," he said. I knew he would be gone until the tenth since he'd reminded me everyday for the past two weeks, a desperate effort to get me to show some sort of emotion towards him.

"Okay," I mumbled, turning to grab the doorknob. "Take lots of pictures so I can see what it's like there." He was going to Canada. I didn't really care what it was like there. He groaned, running both hands down his face.

"Fuck, Suga!" he shouted, clearly at his limit. "Is there even anyone in there anymore? Who are you?"

"I don't know." I mumbled, my eyes still glued to the ground where snow now gently stuck to.

"Of fucking course, you don't know! That's the only thing anyone can get out of you anymore!" He yelled, his eyes burning holes in me. "Listen, Suga! She was just a fucking girl, okay? She was just a girl you dated and broke up with, and it's time to get over it now. You're fucking pathetic."

I opened the door and took a step inside, only to be whipped back around and pinned against the cold surface of my mailbox.

"You can't just walk away anymore, Suga!" He screamed in my face, his breath forming clouds. "You can't just walk away and act like you're the only one hurting! I'm the only person you have left and you don't even care if I walk away for good, do you?"

I kept my eyes away from his, refusing to speak. He was completely right but at this point I was ready to give up on everything including myself, indifferent if I went to university or not, indifferent if my parents were pissed, indifferent if I played volleyball, indifferent if I was completely alone.

"Fucking say something!" He screamed, his voice cracking. The words were familiar and despite being told them many times I didn't answer. Daichi pulled me in by my collar, shoving me to the ground on my back.

"That's it!" He roared. "This is it! You're alone now, are you happy? This is what you wanted all along and now you can fucking have it!"

He was crying as he stared down at me, his entire body shivering. I remained silent.

"Fuck you, Suga!" His voice broke. "Fuck you! You used to be one of the best people I knew- no, you really were the best. And now you're the worst! You're the kind of guy everyone stays away from and you don't even care! You don't even care a-and-"

He choked on his sobs, taking a step away. I sat up and looked at him, unable to find any words. A beat of silence passed, the sound of a car pulling into the driveway breaking it.

"Oh my fucking god!" Daichi yelled. He noticed I'd sat up and proceeded to kick me square in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. I fell back and saw a familiar figure step out of the car, the world spinning around me.

"What the hell?" She screamed, coming closer. I desperately gasped for breath again as voices above me grew louder and louder. I'd never had the breath knocked out of me before and Daichi's kick was like a truck; I began to panic and before long the voices faded out and the sky turned black, a comfortable numbness settling as snowflakes gently rained down on me.


	19. 19

"Sit up," I hear a familiar, clearly exhausted voice above me. It's only been a couple of seconds since both Daichi and (y/n) are hovering over me, both of their faces painted with the same emptiness as before. I sit up, coughing until I finally begin to breathe again. The three of us sit there and the moments of silence that pass are brutal, the realization of my situation becoming clearer with each passing second.

Daichi is the first to stand, brushing off the dirt and snow from his knees while carefully avoiding my gaze. (Y/n) stays on the ground next to me and unconsciously keeps her hand resting on my back where it was; if she was aware she'd have pulled away by now.

Daichi takes a deep breath. "Goodbye, Suga." He walks away down the street and his figure is out of sight after a little while. His goodbye is final, forever- this was an undeniable, sure end.

I turn my attention to (y/n) and her gaze is caught in the direction Daichi walked off in. She's wearing a long sleeve dress, her legs covered in sheer tights. It's dressy enough where I wonder what she's wearing it for but I know not to ask. Finally she directs her attention to me.

"Does it hurt?" She asks, her voice quiet but somehow loud at the same time in the silence of my street.

"What?"

"Does it hurt to watch him walk away, for good? To know that... it was for nothing."

The truth of her words isn't news to me as the exact thought had run through my mind many sleepless nights. Everything; my first date, my first kiss, my first love- were all fruitless in the end. The snow began to fall quicker now, building up on my shoulders and legs where I sat on the ground. Snow stuck to (y/n)'s hair, flakes melting as they fell on her flushed cheeks. Moments pass and I remember that she asked me a question I have no answer to. Of course it hurts, I want to say, it hurts more than anything I've ever felt and I know there was nothing before you to compare it to but fuck, I know there's nothing better after you either.

She closes her eyes as she stands up, the exhaustion showing on her features. She's tired of me, the same as everybody else- I don't blame her. I'm tired of me too, feeling the usual numbness settle over me as I pick myself up from the cold ground. We stand and it's obvious that she came here to say something but instead of speaking, the usual fire she lets out when she's upset- she fidgets with the sleeve of her dress, anxiety clear on her features. Every piece of my soul is reaching toward her but my physical body remains motionless; I have a sort of realization in this moment of silence that my problem was in this all along. In the standing still, in the going with everyone's desires no matter how they conflicted, in the passiveness of myself. I could change that now. I could reach out, wrap my arms around her and fall to the ground in a heap and try with all my heart to get her back.

But it's too late for me to be my own hero at this point because I'm truly just my own villain now. The thought is nice but I stay concrete in front of my door.

"Koushi..." she finally speaks, the edge of tears coming through her voice.

"Yeah?" I look up into her eyes for the first time in seemingly ages and it's as if the world inside them has gone through World War III, no trace of the life that once flourished there. Her eyes reflect mine and I feel something for a second. A pulse of how our hearts used to beat together, that feeling of being in love with someone.

"Koushi..." Tears well up in her eyes and it overwhelms her as she throws herself into my arms, dragging us down to the ground once again. Her embrace is tight on me, her body so familiar but the feeling so foreign. Slowly my arms wrap around her in return and as we hold each other there I let myself cry for the first time in a while, my walls crumbling for her.

She pulls away, wiping away my tears with her thumbs, a fondness in her eyes.

"You don't get to cry," she giggles through her own sobs. "It's your fault we're here anyways."

"I know." I whisper back, unable to look away from her eyes or stop the tears flowing. Her laugh, her embrace, it's all out of place and I wonder again why she's here in the first place.

"I was on my way to pick up a couple things and I found myself driving by your house. I saw Daichi and before I knew what was happening I was peeling into your driveway..." She chuckles, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. "I should get going though."

I imagine the look on my face was as desperate as humanly possible as her features softened into mild pity, her lips curving into a small smile. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as if preparing herself for her next response.

"Do you wanna tag along?"

"Yes please." I answered almost before she finished, standing to my feet. I reached my hand down to her and she hesitantly took it; I shivered from the snow as well as our proximity. She smelled like the perfume she kept in the bathroom cabinet, that she only wore when we went out. I entertained the idea that she planned to come here all dressed up as I climbed in the passenger seat, catching her staring at me. She didn't blush or whip her head away though, just continued to look at me for a long moment.

"You look like shit," she finally spoke. I was taken back. I knew her words were completely true but her bluntness through me off.

"Uhm..." I mumbled, not sure how to respond.

"I'm not trying to be mean," she laughed as she pulled out of my driveway. "You just... it's kind of obvious you haven't been taking care of yourself. You used to be like, so clean and- sorry." She interrupted herself before she could say anything too hurtful. I felt embarrassed; here she was, beautifully dressed and smelling like a flower shop and then there was me: I'd probably been in the same clothes for at least two days, I hadn't brushed my hair in God knows how long, and I'd ignored the daily task of putting on deodorant enough that it was becoming noticeable. I felt my cheeks getting hot as I fiddled with my hands, unable to respond.

"Sorry," she repeated. "I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I just... I don't like seeing you like this. I know you're better than all this."

"Not without you," I answered quietly. A silence dropped onto us, heavy and suffocating. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut because as sappy and romantic my words might have seemed out of context, they really only made me seem like more of an asshole. Selfish, I thought, selfish, selfish, selfish. As usual.

The rest of the car ride was filled with an oppressive quiet. Guilt overwhelmed me and I began to feel trapped inside my own head, my thoughts eating away at me. Time passed and I noticed the car stopped; we were in the parking lot of the supermarket in the neighboring city. She turned off the engine and it quickly got cold as snow continued to fall.

"Let's try and hurry," she mumbled, her mood clearly turned distant. "I don't wanna get stuck here in the snow."

Inside the market I quietly follow behind (y/n) as she checks things off from the list in her head, tempted to reach out and steal a touch, even if it was just our elbows brushing. But she knew me; I planned little things like that, always trying to persuade a moment in my favor.

We were in and out in twenty minutes. The snow had gotten heavier and the thought planted itself in my head- getting snowed in together at her place. I'd entertained the thought before while we dated, always fantasizing about curling up together on the couch and drinking hot chocolate, sharing a blanket, the typical scene. My heart ached at the realization that we didn't make it long enough for me to fulfill such a simple little daydream.

"I know what you're thinking," she said, driving slowly as the windshield wipers hardly kept the road visible.

"What's that?" I answered, looking over to her. She looked so pretty. She was always so put together; even when she rolled out of bed everything made sense, as if that's exactly how she was supposed to look. She always looked complete, a finished masterpiece.

"You're thinking how sorry you feel for yourself."

"A little blunt but true." I reply, feeling embarrassed at how I wore my feelings on my face so clearly.

"Why did you stop trying?" Her voice small in the quiet of the car, the hum of the heat and snow falling creating a white noise.

I knew what she meant. I knew what she was asking but instead of putting in an effort, I asked the question anyway.

"What do you mean?" Just to hear her voice again. Even if it's venomous screams cursing me, I'd do anything just to hear her speak.

"Why did you stop trying to get me back? I know you still want me, but you stopped showing it at all. You're a stranger to me."

We slowed to a crawl, the road in front of us all but gone in the snow. I'm silent, unable to fish out an answer. She rests her forehead on the steering wheel as we're stopped, frustration almost visibly pouring out of here. Something inside of me screamed to say something, anything, as long as it wasn't the numb silence everyone expected.

"(Y/n), I'm sorry," I said, my voice already cracking. "I'm sorry I gave up on us and I'm sorry I made you feel like I didn't want you and I'm sorry I cheated on you and I'm sorry I lied over and over and over-"

A sob breaks my pathetic speech, tears easily falling down my cheeks. It felt good to feel anything at all though, to remember I was alive. Her gaze breaks through me, her expression expectant, waiting on me.

"I'm sorry I let you down," I sobbed, unable to pull my eyes away from hers. She slowly pulls over to the side of the road, parking the car. The snow is impenetrable now, the heat on full blast as we sat unmoving.

"I'm sorry, (y/n). I know I can't take any of it back and I know I can't fix it, but I need you to know that I am sorry. I could apologize for the rest of my life but I know it won't be enough for how much I've hurt you. I've hurt everyone. I'm not asking for you to forgive me but I'm just- I- I'm sorry."

She's silent for many unbearable minutes as I desperately try to get myself to stop crying. She eventually pulls out her phone and begins to dial a number, holding it up to her ear.

"Who are you calling?" I asked, a little annoyed.

"A tow truck," she answered quietly. "We're not getting out of here anytime soon on our own and I want to go home."

She twists the knife while she speaks to the towing company as if she hadn't just pushed me aside like my words were nothing. Even though I said I knew she wouldn't forgive me, damn it, I thought she just might. I felt a familiar anger that should've been directed at myself towards her. Once she hung up the phone, turning to speak to me, I lost it.

"What the fuck, (y/n)?" I yelled, holding my head in my hands.

"What?!" She answered, startled. Her expression read fear, looking paralyzed under my gaze. As much as I imagined her every emotion, her eyes wide with fear had never crossed my mind. This didn't set in my head though, and I continued to release my misguided anger on her.

"I pour my fucking heart out to you and you call a tow truck to go home?! How can you just leave me with nothing?"

I'm staring at her, my hands balled into white-knuckled fists. I'd never felt such a deep anger, something uncontrollable inside of me. Her eyes welled up with tears, her hands visibly shaking where they gripped the steering wheel.

"Answer me!" I yelled, pounding my fist on the door. She choked out a sob she desperately tried to hold back, the sound throaty and painful.

"Koushi..." she cried. "Who are you?"

"Don't give me that," I sighed, leaning back in the seat, a lump in my throat threatening to suffocate me. "Don't... say that to me."

The time waiting for the tow truck is silent save for (y/n)'s quiet sobs as she clutches to her wallet and phone in her lap. Eventually it shows up and a man drives us back to (y/n)'s place, giving me wary glances the whole way and calling her honey too many times.

When we walked inside it was freezing; she walked into her bedroom and changed into a sweatshirt and sweatpants, plopping herself on the couch. I sat on the opposite side and the small distance felt insurmountable; she was so far away from me, farther than ever before.

"Suga," she finally spoke, her eyes glassy from the tears. "I can't do this anymore. I mean it."

"Don't say that," I answer, looking over to her. "Don't say that."

"Suga," she sobbed. "Go home. Go home and don't come ba-"

"Stop!" I shouted, a guttural sound. "Stop, stop, stop!"

She stood up from the couch and began to walk toward the door but I shot up and grabbed her arms, pulling her toward me. She fought my grip, pulling away but I just caught her again each time.

"Suga, stop it!" She screamed, her voice full of terror. "Get off! Get off!"

I wrestled her to the ground and as she tried to crawl away I grabbed her by the ankles and pulled her back, her screams filling the small apartment. My body moved on its own, my mind no longer in control. I reached a hand towards her jaw, holding her head down.

"You are not leaving me anymore," I said, the sound of my voice unfamiliar.

She continued to scream and when I tried to cover her mouth with my hand she bit me so hard it drew blood. She freed one arm and grabbed my face, pushing me back until I finally had to let go. In a panicked scramble she reached for the door, practically falling outside. I ran after her, catching her by the waist and pulling her back to ground in the doorway. She screamed louder than ever before, a shrill and ringing sound that let anyone who hadn't heard us already know something was going on. After a few more moments of struggle a figure appeared, rushing across the street.

"Get your fucking hands off her!" Asahi bellowed as he climbed the stairs.

"Help me!" She screamed over and over. I was no match for him; he picked me up by my head and threw me back into the apartment, blacking me out for a few moments with one punch.

When I came to he was holding (y/n) up. I had a single moment of clarity; her body was violently shaking, her hair a mess, her jaw and throat beginning to bruise.

"You better fucking run because the cops are going to be here any minute," Asahi growled. I did exactly as he said- ran. The other tenants of the apartment were up and I was sure one of them had called the police by now. As I ran, my vision blinded by the blizzard, hot tears contrasting with snow on my cheeks, I had one thought: I love her. I love her, I love her, I love her.

I saw red and blue lights fly past me and realized I couldn't go home, or anywhere else. I felt utterly helpless where I stood on the sidewalk; nowhere to go, no one to help me, nothing. Every bridge I'd ever built was nothing but a pile of ashes now, the flames of my first love destroying everything I'd ever loved.


	20. 20

She doesn't tell the police what happened- she insists that she is fine, despite the tender and purple skin puckering up around her throat. She spits my blood out of her mouth into the kitchen sink instead of into an evidence bag. She begs Asahi not to kill me; that was probably the hardest part. Some might say I got off easy but when my ultimatum was quitting volleyball, switching universities, and explaining why to my parents, it seemed anything but simple.

She didn't just block my number- she got an entirely new phone, new number, blocked me on any sort of social media (I later found out this was Asahi's doing), and didn't leave her house without somebody by her side. I changed everything for both us indefinitely, our lives completely altered forever.

-

I got the news ten days after the incident. I was sitting by myself on the couch; both my parents were upstairs, avoiding me. Neither of them spoke to me anymore unless out of necessity. I'd heard my mother crying every single one of the past ten nights.

A knock came at the door; my mom stepped downstairs quickly and opened it since she didn't want me even crossing the doorway unless it was for school. I peeked over from my place on the couch where I absent-mindedly watch television; it was Asahi. I froze where I sat, unable to move out of fear. He towered over my mom, his expression stone cold.

"Asahi," she spoke, her voice almost timid beneath him. "I didn't expect to see you."

"Hi Mrs. Sugawara," he said, giving her a slight smile; he felt bad for her, that she got damned with a bastard child like me. "I just came to pick up some of (y/n)'s things that were still here. She's leaving tonight."

"Oh, is she?" She said, the ache in her voice poking though the sugary-sweetness. "Why don't you come upstairs to Koushi's room with me to get her things?"

He nods and follows her, and as tempted as I am to beg him to tell me where she's leaving to, I stay put on the couch. I mute the television and listen intently, only catching clips of their conversation. There's a lot of Sorry's and I Know's, along with a couple of She Deserved Better's. I unmute the television after "I don't think I can ever forgive him," in my mother's voice.

Only a few minutes pass before they return, Asahi holding a pile of clothes as well as a few of (y/n)'s things in his hands. One of her hairbrushes, a pair of flip-flops, a few bottles of nail polish. He shoots me a glance intended to kill as he reaches the final steps, his eyes burning holes through my pathetic figure. My mother turns and faces me as well, only shooting me a short look of disappointment before opening the door for Asahi.

"Listen," he speaks before leaving, standing in the doorway while staring down at me. "(Y/n) is leaving and that is all you are ever going to know. Don't try and get in touch with her or me ever again. Especially her." He emphasizes.

I don't say anything, no words coming to my head that would make things better.

"Fuck," he says under his breath. "I'm sorry for what I'm about to say Mrs. Sugawara. You are such a piece of shit, Koushi. You are the worst person I've ever known and I just want you to know that you completely ruined her life-" he jams a thumb outside the door, pointing toward the car on the curb outside. Is she here?

"Don't go out there," he says. I stand up anyways, met by his tall figure immediately blocking the door. "You wanna know where she's going? You wanna know what you did?"

"(Y/n)!" I try to shout out the doorway. I catch a glimpse of her figure in the driver's seat and we make eye contact; her eyes widen in fear and she turns away.

"She's leaving the country! She's leaving forever! You took her out of all of our lives and still you're here trying to cause more damage! Give it up!"

I can tell he wants to knock me out but my mom's presence stops him. He mumbles a sorry before leaving, my mom closing the door behind him.

"You've caused everyone so much pain," my mom says softly. "And you still only care about how you're hurting. I didn't think I raised you like this."

Her words are like poison as she retreats up the stairs, leaving me alone. I know I shouldn't but I proceed to peek through the front curtains, desperate for a glimpse of her. She's crying, bent over the steering wheel, shoulders shaking with sobs; the worst part is Asahi's hand on her shoulder and as much as I want to fly out there and rip his hand off, I stay put. He's right- everyone is right.

I've caused enough trouble as it is and while I'd like to somehow show up at the airport before she boards her flight to God knows where, bouquet of roses in hand and promises I have no intention of keeping, I know this scene will never play. We will not work it out in the airport lounge, dramatic confessions and tears drawing stranger's attention. We will never have the kiss that ends up in our scrapbook we show our grandchildren sixty years from now. There is no happy ending for her and I and as I reminisce on the first days we met and how it felt to fall in love for the first time, it hits me.

I was not complete before I met her and I will never be complete again now that she is flying to another country where she will speak in different tongues, saying I love you in dialects I am hopeless to understand. I will never be the same because while I was empty before she came into my life there is nothing like the feeling of loss, of having someone more precious to you than your own life and watching them fly away. I never knew what it was like to love someone so much it burned a gaping whole in my chest that would never heal, and now that I am bleeding out on my living room floor, for the first time I understand the meaning of forever.


End file.
